He doesn’t believe in marriage
COUNSELLOR, My babyfather recently told me that he has no intention of marrying me now or in the future, that he doesn’t believe in marriage, and that it’s either I take it or leave it. We have two children together, and we started dating and living together under the assumption that this would be a long-term commitment. We bought a house together, he’s on my health insurance and vice versa, we go to church together — basically our lives are intertwined. I don’t want our children to grow up in a broken home, but I also want marriage. What do you suggest? Coercion? Or leave?
You want to marry your partner after being in a common-law relationship for some time, but he isn’t interested. Understood. You are justified in wanting to be married. Getting married is not just a beautiful exercise; it is a “bonding exercise”. Marriage is also intended to be a “binding exercise” too: Matthew 19:6 – “Wherefore they are no more twain, but one flesh. What therefore God hath joined together, let not man put asunder.”
It must indeed be worrying if someone you love, whom you have invested heavily in, doesn’t want to go through the exercise. God is right about marriage. Not that we justify Him, but we prove Him to be correct when discomfort, anxiety, stress and fear come about because we do things differently from what His word prescribes, when we abandon the commitments and virtues He prescribes. And I subscribe to the Holy Bible as the inerrant word of God that speaks to social harmony and spiritual authority. I think you do too.
REV CHRIS BRODBER
The Bible says, in 1 Corinthians 7:2, “Nevertheless, to avoid fornication, let every man have his own wife, and let every woman have her own husband.” The Bible commands/prescribes/recommends/advises marriage. Why? Because it creates the best context for a relationship to enjoy emotional security and emotional support. It should facilitate a healthy home.
But there’s the “milk and cow” reality too, which you have fallen prey to. If he can get the milk without the cow, why would he buy the cow now? That’s how ‘the thing set’! It is hard to make ‘what gone bad ah mawn’ come good ah night’. But it’s not impossible.
I am a bit confused, though, by the fact that you’re both regular at church, but he doesn’t feel like being married. Where is your church leadership on the issue?
The fact that you are both in the church provides you with an opportunity, though. Consider speaking to the leadership about how you feel. Maybe they can sit with him to discuss it. Maybe they can sit with you both. I would suggest that you involve them, especially since you both regularly attend. No, I would not particularly suggest “coercion”; I would say, yes, be very strategic. I suggest using legitimate mechanisms to make him understand how you feel.
For whatever reason, some people are afraid of marriage. They fear “putting on the ring will mash up” the relationship. It’s a strange superstition birthed in the devil’s backyard. If ever there was a lie to “mash down”, that is it. But some men will “sing that Sankey” simply to not spend on the nuptials or make the public and legally binding commitment.
It is always a big risk to intertwine your finances and assets before marriage. How you manoeuvre now, if he will not listen to your plea or listen to the church leadership, that’s your choice to make. Follow your conscience. Yes, security for your children is important. A “broken home” is difficult. But a good example regarding marriage and security from the start is important too.
You are not alone; many couples have to work through similar challenges. Do not despair. Prayer and persistence still have power. I pray both of you will find perfect alignment, and that the rest of your lives will be the best of your lives.
Get on The Counsellor’s Couch with Rev Christopher Brodber, who is a counsellor and minister of religion. E-mail questions to allwoman@jamaicaobserver.com.
