5 signs a man doesn’t care anymore

LET’S have an honest conversation. Sometimes the hardest thing to admit is not that a relationship is struggling, but that the man you love may no longer be emotionally invested in it.

You can feel it before you can explain it. The conversations become shorter. The effort starts to disappear. Things that once mattered to him no longer seem to matter. And while you may find yourself making excuses for the change, deep down, you know something feels different.

But how do you know if he’s simply going through a difficult season, or if his heart is no longer in the relationship?

Here are five signs you shouldn’t ignore.

1) He stops making an effort

You shouldn’t have to beg someone to participate in their own relationship. If you are always the one initiating the conversation, planning the date, checking in, trying to resolve problems and keeping the relationship alive, eventually you’re going to feel exhausted.

It’s not about expecting him to be romantic every day, it’s about seeing some effort. A man who cares may not always get it right, but he usually wants to get it right.

2) Your feelings no longer seem to matter to him

You tell him you’re hurt and he dismisses you. You try to explain what’s bothering you and he tells you that you’re making a big deal out of nothing. You cry, and he walks away. There is a difference between a man who doesn’t understand your feelings and a man who doesn’t care about them.

He may not always agree with you, but if he cares about you, your emotional experience should matter to him. And sometimes what looks like being “unbothered” is actually emotional avoidance. Some people shut down emotionally because they have never learned how to deal with difficult conversations.

3) He stops including you in his plans

Listen to how he talks about the future. Does he still say ‘we’, or is everything suddenly ‘me’? He used to talk about where you would travel together, what you would build together and what life would look like down the road. Now, he makes plans without considering you. You may even discover that you’re the only one talking about the future of the relationship.

That should make you pause.

4) He becomes a stranger in the same house

This one can hurt the most. You are physically together but emotionally miles apart. You don’t talk anymore — not really. The conversations are about bills, children, work, dinner and household responsibilities. But the conversations about you two have disappeared.

You don’t know what he’s thinking. You don’t know what he’s feeling. You don’t know what he’s looking forward to. And somehow, you have become roommates instead of partners.

Emotional distance doesn’t always mean the relationship is over, but it does mean something needs to be addressed.

5) He no longer cares whether the relationship works

This is probably the one I would pay the most attention to. Every relationship has problems. Healthy couples disagree. They get frustrated. Sometimes they even need space. But when a man has completely stopped caring about the outcome, that’s different. You suggest counselling. He doesn’t care. You try to talk. He doesn’t care. You suggest making changes. He doesn’t care. You tell him you’re unhappy. He doesn’t care. At some point, you’re not dealing with conflict anymore. You’re dealing with indifference.

And ladies, you cannot build a healthy relationship with someone who has decided not to participate. So what should you do?

Don’t immediately accuse him of cheating. Don’t start going through his phone looking for evidence. And please don’t start competing with another woman based on assumptions. Talk to him. Ask him directly what is happening. Tell him what you’ve noticed without attacking him. Give him an opportunity to tell you what is going on. There may be something happening in his life that you know nothing about. There may be unresolved issues in the marriage. He may be struggling emotionally. Or he may simply have become disconnected from the relationship. Whatever the reason, you deserve an honest conversation.

And if the two of you are willing, get help. Sometimes couples wait until the relationship is almost dead before seeking counselling. Don’t wait that long if you can help it.

But here’s the part I really want women to hear: Don’t spend years trying to convince somebody to love you. You can communicate. You can forgive. You can pray. You can work on yourself and give the relationship another chance. But you cannot do the work of two people. Love needs two willing participants. So if you’ve noticed these signs, don’t panic — but don’t ignore them either.

Have the conversation. Find out where you really stand. And whatever you discover, remember that your worth is not determined by somebody else’s ability or willingness to love you well. Sometimes the conversation will lead to restoration. Sometimes it will lead to difficult decisions. But either way, choose truth over pretending.

Marie Berbick is a certified master life coach, women’s transformational coach, ordained minister, author, motivational speaker, wife, mother and big sister dedicated to empowering women to heal, thrive and walk in purpose. Connect with her at www.marieberbick.com or e-mail marieberbick@gmail.com.