He lies, flirts, cheats
Q: Dear Counsellor,
I have been in a relationship for five years. This man and I were friends before our relationship became intimate. When we met we were both in long-distance relationships. He also had another relationship that I didn’t know about. He had only told me of his long distance relationship. After a year, however, we decided to date each other and broke up with our significant others after much drama.
I am now unhappy as I am unable to trust this man. He has lied to me about the relationship that I didn’t know about and only found out when I was confronted by this woman. I thought they were just friends. I forgave him and we moved on. I thought that things were fine until I searched his phone and found out that he was having a six month-long affair with one of his co-workers. We broke up for a short while, then got back together.
I am now confused, hurt and depressed because I have now found out that he is flirting and sexting multiple women. When I confront him he sees his behaviour as harmless as he is not sleeping with them. He is very secretive with his personal phone, yet his work phone is always lying around. The most hurtful part is that we were planning to get married and start a family. I don’t think I will ever trust him. I have reached the point where I’m searching his things for evidence of cheating. I no longer feel emotionally tied to him as we go for days now without speaking, and when we speak it turns into a big argument.
We both have children from other relationships. I am independent and do not depend on him for anything but am appreciative of whatever he gives me, though sometimes it is basically not much, as he is facing some financial difficulties at the moment. I love and care for him a lot and I want my children to have a stable home.
A: It would appear that the relationship started off on a shaky foundation as your partner seemed to have had some secrets that he thought he could have kept under wraps. Unfortunately for him and fortunately for you, the truth was revealed. It is indeed sad, however, that you were confronted by the secret lady who declared her involvement with your partner. Could it be that she was also in the dark regarding you?
Trust is a critical component of any relationship and if it is found to be absent, then as night follows day, the relationship is doomed to fail. Did you see any red flags that you ignored? After you forgave him for the first indiscretion and later learned of his affair with his co-worker, did you not stop and take stock of what was going on and realise that Mr Mention had no intention of ceasing his womanising ways?
So because of your insecurity and distrust, you have resorted to doing some detective work, and to your annoyance he is still pursuing women, albeit via text. Again, is this another red flag that you had overlooked? What message have you received from your man’s behaviour? Do you see him making any change anytime soon? Do you get the impression that he wants to change? Or does he want you to accept his reality and not try to crash his party?
Before you decide to walk down the aisle with this man, consider the above and make sure you understand what you may have to live with should you decide to remain in this relationship. Please bear in mind that marriage will not change his flirtatious tendencies and acts of infidelity; it would more than likely exacerbate them. The same applies to having a child for him. It is all well and good to want to get married and start a family, but make sure that a solid foundation is set that would ensure your happiness and a stable family life. The question is, could your partner assure you of the happiness you desire?
If it is that you have lost the emotional connection with your partner, then it means you have left the relationship and are just going through the motions physically. This won’t last for very long as the relationship is merely existing as opposed to surviving. Is your relationship on a life support machine? Are you prepared to pull the plug if necessary?
If your gentleman wants to settle down with you he has to make a radical turnaround in his behaviour. You have to insist that he does. If he finds that he can get away with his actions as he knows you will forgive and forget, then no change is forthcoming.
You deserve full respect as his significant other, and you should not settle for anything less.
Wayne Powell is a relationship counsellor. Write to crisscounselloronline@gmail. com.
