True confession: My IVF baby is my ex’s

Below, Felicia, 43, shares how she rationalises getting pregnant and giving birth to a child conceived by IVF treatment, and against the father’s wishes.

I was married for 10 years and struggled with having a child. My husband and I kept trying and it started to affect our marriage. He worked on the North Coast and would come up every weekend but with all the arguments we were having, he started to come up once a month and just like that, we drifted apart. Things between us got real bad. I honestly didn’t know what to do. I wasn’t sure if I wanted to make us work because I felt guilty for not being able to give him a child.

But he made that decision for me when he told me he had met someone where he worked and that she was pregnant. I was floored. I was hurt not only because he got someone pregnant but I was hurt that he was having a child — a child that I could not give him. Hearing this sent me into a state of depression, as not only did I feel like a ‘mule’, but I was a’mule’ who was unable to please her husband.

We didn’t have any money to get a divorce so we were still married but living separate lives. I found it hard to move on initially knowing that I was still married, but he had moved in with his girlfriend and child, so I was forced to.

A few years ago I met someone new. He was in no way comparable to my husband but he made me happy, so happy that we spoke about having a child together. I wasn’t sure I wanted to go down that route as we both had baggage from past relationships that we brought into our new one. He was divorced and his wife did him real bad by telling him he was the father of her son, knowing that he wasn’t. That would have been his only child. He spoke of wanting a child of his own and here I was still married and unable to grant another man his wish.

But my need to be a mother grew with each day that passed. I didn’t want to please a man or keep a relationship but I longed to be a mother. I longed to have a child of my own.

Luckily for me, I came across some money and the first thing I did was to divorce my husband. I used the rest of the money to do in vitro fertilisation (IVF). My partner wasn’t up for it in the beginning and we stopped talking for a while, but that didn’t stop me, as I had started the process without him. So when he came on board all he had to do was give his sperm.

I was over the moon at the thought of finally getting the chance at being a mother. There was nothing that could ruin my happiness. But my boyfriend changed his mind again. This time he told me point blank that it wasn’t a good idea because he wasn’t where he wanted to be in life and having a child right now would only hold him back.

When he spoke I just nodded in agreement because my mind was already made up and I wasn’t going to let all my money go down the drain. I understood his point but why would he go as far has having them collect his sperm to then tell me he wasn’t going to do it? He was not going to shatter my hopes and waste my money. This was my investment.

My mind was made up and I went along and did it. I’m not going to lie, the thought of raising a child on my own had me scared but I was 40 and not getting any younger.

I needed to be selfish for once on my life and not keep putting everyone else’s needs before mine. I wanted a child and was going to get one.

He put two and two together when he saw me pregnant. He was very upset about me going behind his back and doing this, so I told him that the child wasn’t his. I told him I was in a new relationship with someone else and we got pregnant the old fashioned way. I didn’t want to lie to him but I had no choice.

Plus he made it clear that if it was his he wouldn’t want anything to do with it because I used his sperm without his knowledge.

No one knows how it feels to know that you want a child and can’t have one. So when the opportunity came along I had to take it, even though he had backed out.

I have had my baby, a beautiful baby girl. Having her was the best thing I ever did. I agree that the way I went about getting her wasn’t the best, but she is here; she is all I ever wanted. No one knows who her father is and I have given her my last name. I have always wanted to be a mother but I didn’t know how great it would be until I had my daughter.