Are you desperate?
LOVE is blind, and it also makes people do dumb things. Like when you had been single for an extended period, then you find the man of your dreams, only to attempt to do anything to keep him, even sacrificing your dignity.
Many times when we go above and beyond for our partners it borders on desperation. How can you tell you’re at this stage? Relationship counsellor Wayne Powell shares a few signs with All Woman.
Your partner gives less of himself to you
Powell said if you are involved in a relationship and you are giving 100 per cent of your time and effort to make it work while your partner is giving less than 50 per cent, you may be beating a dead horse.
Your efforts aren’t reciprocated
“You cook, wash and clean for him and on his birthday you bake his favourite chocolate cake, plus you buy him a top-of-the-line cell phone with monies from your savings,” Powell said. “You even bail him out from time to time by offering him large sums of money to fix his car or pay back a loan to the bank which threatens to auction the house after months of unpaid payments. But this guy is never there when you need him. As a matter of fact he is always busy and never can find time for you.”
He shows no affection
Powell said if your partner never takes you out, never shows affection — even during sex, never offers to pay a bill for you, never buys you a gift, and never ever says the words, “I love you”, then you may want to rethink the purpose of the relationship.
You refuse to heed the warnings of others
“You know well that this is a dysfunctional relationship and even though your parents and friends ask you what you see in this ‘cruff’, you still continue. Your typical response is, ‘No matter how hard I try I just can’t walk away from the relationship. I really do love him’.”
If you’re in such a situation, Powell suggests you consider the following:
1. No relationship can be successfully sustained on an “I give, you take; you take, I give” basis.
Powell said if only one party is giving, then soon the giver is going to be tired of giving all the time when there is no reciprocal action.
2. Living in denial is silly. The relationship expert said doing this and burying your head in the sand when the situation is staring you in the face is a silly thing to do. “Sooner than later you will be made to confront the reality,” he said.
3. Pay attention to the warning signs. Powell warns against ignoring the behaviour patterns you may have seen in the initial stages of the relationship. “Some women may have seen the tendencies before marriage and proceeded with the feeling that he will change after the ring is put on. Wishful thinking,” Powell said.
4. To remain in an unfulfilling relationship is akin to a death warrant. “Your personal happiness is imperative. Every human being requires love and attention and if you are in a relationship, that is the least you can expect from your partner,” the relationship expert said.
5. Let your feelings be known. Powell pointed out that it is important to let your partner know your level of unhappiness and share with him some of the things that would please you.
6. To say ” A so him stay, so me wi just live wid it” is a defeatist approach. Powell said this will let your man off the hook and so he will never try and improve. “Challenge him to make the adjustments.”
7. Some men will not openly display affection. Powell said by virtue of their socialisation some men will remain macho, so you have to teach them how to be emotional. “Gently lead and guide them along the way,” he said. “Please do not compare your present spouse to your former boyfriend who was super affectionate.”
He said if you’re in a relationship and you have tried all of the above and there is still no change, the appropriate questions would be, “Is this worth my time and effort? Is it really worth it?”
