Boyfriend problems

Dear Counsellor,

I’m 21. I met this young man in college while studying. When I met him he was in a stormy relationship and I was there to comfort him. He broke off the relationship with his girlfriend and about two months later we started dating.

Things went well for a year but then the arguments and lying started. We worked things out and started afresh, but the arguments continued. I love this man. I must say he is awesome, but I am depressed. He is very jealous and I cannot have any close friends. A week ago I was searching for something in his phone and saw some pictures a woman sent to him. I asked him about it and he told me that he wasn’t getting any attention from me so he seeks it elsewhere. He searched my phone and saw a message from a guy. The message was a Bible verse just to motivate me, and at the end the guy put the word ‘love’ and signed his name. That caused a big argument. I don’t think I can go on because he is too jealous. Might I say the man who sent me the message is married and has children, and has no interest at all in me.

My boyfriend and I are both Christians but we are currently having sex and I personally think that that is the main cause of the problems that we are facing, plus the fact that we don’t put God at the centre of our relationship. I do everything to make him happy and at the end I am not happy. I’ve lost myself because of him. I lost friends because of him and gave up everything just to please him, but all he does is complain.

There seems to be a severe trust deficit in couple relationships these days and, with the advent of technology, classified information is discovered by prying in each other’s cell phones. These relationships are grounded and fuelled by suspicion and mistrust that no doubt will stifle the growth.

So you met the gentleman while he was going through his relationship turmoil and soon became his emotional support. In his vulnerable state you became a convenient rebound for him as he was more than likely still hurting from his last relationship and you happened to be there at the right time and place.

Rebound relationships usually don’t go the ‘take it slow’ route, but proceed on the 0-50 track. The relationship is most times on the passion-driven fast track with little interest in long-term commitment.

Disagreements are not unusual in new relationships and, with time, the partners will work out a mutually acceptable way of dealing with conflicts. If, however, the disagreements become a regular feature of the relationship, then this is indeed cause for concern. The constant arguments are a reflection of the incompatibilities that may exist where you both are distances apart as far as values and interests are concerned.

Extreme jealousy is an indication of insecurity which can drive some individuals to behave in bizarre ways. Some have taken the murder-suicide route which is at the far end of the pole. It is therefore very important that you pay attention to the controlling behaviour patterns that are indicators of emotional abuse.

Going elsewhere for attention because he claimed you denied him same, though a seeming plausible explanation, is again another indication of a communication breakdown in the relationship. If he felt that his need for emotional attachment was not forthcoming from you then he should have communicated his concerns to you rather than pursue outside assistance. Once he has established his outside connections no doubt they would be available to him for consultations as the need arises. And he will continue to use their services on an ongoing basis.

As Christians there are moral obligations that have certain scriptural underpinnings which, if not carried out faithfully, will bring feelings of guilt and shame. This obviously is a matter of concern for you hence your deductions regarding the conflict in the relationship.

“I’ve lost myself” is a most instructive statement indicating that you have abandoned all the boundaries and personal values you have set. When one partner gives up friends, family and personal standards to please the other person, this amounts to relational enslavement. You seem to be giving more than you are receiving in this relationship which is clearly not a very good sign. Doing all you can to make your partner happy and not having it reciprocated amounts to utter frustration which is the point at where you now seem to be.

At 21 you really need to stay focused or your grades will be affected. A relationship is a full-time engagement that requires commitment at all levels and can become quite challenging especially if it is not reciprocal. You may want to decide whether or not you want to remain in this relationship as you consider its negative impact on you and your schooling.

Wayne Powell is a relationship counsellor. Write to crisscounselloronline@gmail. com; check out his work overseas on www.seekingshalom.org, e-mail powellw@ seekingshalom.org.