19 years a hollaback girl
A hollaback girl is one who responds positively to the whistles and catcalls of men — one who has no issues with booty calls. It was not my choice to become a hollaback girl to Mr Unavailable. The realisation that I was, struck me after I noticed a pattern.
The timeline was the same — it would start at year end, when his flings were at home snuggling with their partners. It would end two weeks later, a few days before his birthday. He didn’t treat me like a real person, but rather like a smartphone app. I call what he does the “Text and Dump Game”. It wasn’t a friendship, a conversation, a romance or a flirtation. Instead, I would describe it as a dysfunctional dynamic in which, without my knowledge or consent, I was treated as a chew toy — gummed in his down time, discarded when I got soggy.
In the book, Four Things Women Want from a Man, Pastor AR Bernard talks about four qualities that women want in a man. These are maturity, decisiveness, consistency and strength. These qualities had been absent from this un-relationship.
Lack of maturity was the beginning and the end. He had approached me one afternoon in the university’s library and asked for my telephone number. I gave it to him and the sparks flew right away. You’ve seen sparks fly on episodes of Scandal, so I won’t go into details. To be clear, he knew my boyfriend but pursued me anyway. I asked him right at the beginning what he wanted from me. I like a man who is decisive. He told me he wanted to get to know me and do the things that lovers do. I was fine with just being friends. And then he kissed me.
Not long after, I changed my mind and wanted more, so I asked him where his head was at. The answer was a definitive “no”, but not in a “let’s not mess this up” type easy let-down. He chose, instead, to reject me in a cruel way.
Think about it. We were both entangled in the situation, so how was I the “careless” one? Clearly, there is a double standard here. Most women would try to argue with the man and try to change his mind. I immediately ended the tryst. I was 21 years old.
Consistency is important for me. When someone feels “I am entitled to your body and must have your undivided attention when I demand it but I don’t want to give you my time, consideration, support or respect,” you had better believe that they are going to act like that.
One morning I woke up to the realisation that for 19 years I had been arguing with him non-verbally to try and change his mind about me. I was hoping that he would notice me grow into a mature and accomplished woman. But his opinion of me was consistent: “You are a non-person booty call.” What made it worse was that my declaration of love at that time was used to mock me over and over again. “Hey you,” his messages seemed to tell me, “I know you want to marry me and have my babies. I have some free time now to laugh at your tragic misunderstanding of my desire to commit to you.” After a while, I stopped responding to them.
Nineteen years had to pass before it dawned on me that I had buried my feelings of humiliation at being rejected by the only man I ever trusted. I was determined not to wake up 20 years from now, at the age of 60 with this notification: “Good morning, 39 years a hollaback,” scrolling down the screen of my smartphone. To end things once and for all, I needed strength. I found it.
