Her child’s father is a problem
Dear Counsellor,
I am engaged to a lovely lady, and I would give her the world if I could. However, there is one problem — her child’s father. He only texts her when he feels he has time to ask about the little one. Yet he is never there. He didn’t call to tell her happy birthday or anything. When I give my opinion of how I feel about everything, I’m always told that I need to understand. But what I feel she needs to understand is that he’s not doing anything for her… I am. The child is eight and I know I can’t take him out of her life, but I can refuse to deal with this. He has disrespected her and she has told me to stay out of it. I am at the point where if she’s not going to let him go and focus on us, then maybe I need to step back and rethink our relationship. What advice can you give me?
As much as there is the babymother drama, there is also the babyfather drama as well that you are obviously caught up in. The truth is that as the father of her child, he will always factor in her life as a co-parent. Your role as a loving and caring partner will be to build a good relationship with the child, but you can’t usurp the gentleman’s right and responsibility as the child’s father. But he certainly needs to step up to the table and perform his fatherly role in a mature way.
What you can’t afford to do is preoccupy yourself with the situation so that it negatively impacts your relationship with your soon-to-be wife. Certainly you can indicate to her the need to establish boundaries with her child’s father, but you can’t demand that they do not communicate with each other, especially as it concerns the child. If he has disrespected her, she needs to deal with that in an assertive way. Confronting her or him may not be advisable, as this may exacerbate an already unsavoury state of affairs.
Your partner’s advice not to get involved may appear unreasonable on the surface, but does have some validity, particularly as it relates to the health of the relationship. It is difficult to see things around you not going right and not get involved, but there is so much and no more you can do in this three-way relationship.
So you have given her an ultimatum of letting him go or you may step away from the relationship. Just for a moment, put yourself in her shoes. If you had a child with another woman, would it be fair if your spouse told you to have nothing to do with the mother of your child? Would that be a reasonable request given your role as the child’s father?
As long as there is absolutely no romantic relationship between your partner and her child’s father, and there is closure in that department, then making the request for no contact or to cut him off as you put it, may be extreme. In my view, the fact that his communication with her seems limited to questions about the child could mean that he wants a platonic relationship at this stage.
You can refuse to deal with the babyfather drama by walking away, as you say. That is a choice you have, but the fact that you have made a proposal of marriage to this lady means that she has qualities that you are looking for in a wife, and those should not be discounted.
As you contemplate whether to stay and work through the challenges or leave, bear in mind that when you met her you would have known that she had a child for someone else, and that challenges associated with this situation might arise.
Wayne Powell is a relationship counsellor. Write to crisscounselloronline@gmail. com; check out his work overseas on www.seekingshalom.org, e-mail powellw@ seekingshalom.org.
