Signs you’re bound to have mother-in-law troubles

MEDDLING, judgemental, controlling, overly jealous mothers-in-law are nothing new. In fact, three-quarters of your friends will tell you the worst part of their “for better or for worse” experience is meeting and sharing the same space with the woman their significant other calls mom because of the many criticisms that accompany almost everything they do — from parenting and domestic affairs, to the bedroom.

Marriage/family and sex therapist Reverend Dr Carla Dunbar said that as a mother-in-law and a family counsellor, and having heard and witnessed her fair share of squabbles, she understands just how overbearing some mothers-in-law can be.

“So first up, I am a mother-in-law four times over, but I have learnt that our privileged position as mothers should inform us not to interfere in our children’s lives in a way that could potentially harm the relationships they have strived to build and have come to love,” Dr Dunbar said.

She argued that mothers should never put their children in a position to have to choose between them and their spouses.

“If we raised them right, then we should now watch our work at work and be proud that we were instrumental in raising children who are now courageous enough to make choices on their own and give them our blessing,” Dr Dunbar told All Woman.

As for new daughters-in-law, Dr Dunbar said if you’re lucky enough, you may be able to spot impending danger — an evil mother-in-law — lurking in the shadows by using the warning signs below:

They are always telling their sons what they cooked or are cooking and intimating that they must be very hungry

“I know we think we are the best cooks, but allow your sons to adapt to the taste of their wives’ culinary skills, whatever that is,” Dr Dunbar said. She reasoned that if the mothers interfere, the men will be only too happy to come over once in a while to enjoy their food, which could leave the wives feeling unappreciated and doubt their ability to satisfy their husbands’ palate.

She is always checking her son’s collar, offering to wash his whites and drawing her fingers over the furniture as she passes, obviously checking for dust

Dr Dunbar said that a common point that meddling mothers-in-law often attack is the ability of the daughter-in-law to manage the domestic affairs of her home. This can be a challenge for working women, especially those who are mothers. “We tend to believe that we are the best housewives since Eve; no one washes, irons or cleans like we do and we sometimes go overboard with this — trying to prove a point to not just our sons but to their wives,” Dr Dunbar said.

Watching his pocket

The love of money, they say, is the root of all evil, and sometimes even after marriage there are some mothers-in-law who forget that unless their sons have achieved some stability, they may not get as much money as they did before the marriage. “Our sons may choose to continue wetting our palms as they did in singleness, but their money is now for the first lady and that’s not us anymore. There is really no competition, we are someone else’s first lady and if you are not now, remember that you were at some point and what it meant then,” Dr Dunbar said.

She also added that commenting on a gift he bought for his spouse also falls in this category. “So she may ask, ‘isn’t that expensive?’ or she may tell him to remember not to squander his money whenever he gets something nice for his wife.”

Checking the kitchen cupboards when she comes to visit

She wants to see what her son and grandbabies are having; she tries to tell you what products to buy, or harasses you about how little or too much food there is, making you out to be a woman unable to manage her home, or a spendthrift.

She constantly drops in or wants to come spend time

She doesn’t respect the value of quality time with her son’s spouse or family. She is almost always there, stopping by unannounced. “I would say live at a good distance from parents so you can breathe in your relationship and form your own family values,” Dr Dunbar encouraged.

Dr Dunbar also had a word for daughters-in-law too.

“Ladies, I know you and your mothers are probably best friends, but you don’t have to tell her every time he does something wrong. We all love our children and want what’s best. We are going to feel hurt when you hurt and naturally will feel more inclined to take sides. Give us a break and try to work it out together.”