How to properly break up with someone
FOR weeks you’ve rehearsed your idea of the perfect break-up conversation, but as your mental picture of the perfect moment approaches, you recognise just how difficult it is to cut ties with someone you have been intimate with and not become sidetracked.
But how do you know that you’re doing it right? How can you ensure that you’ll make a clean break?
Relationship counsellor Wayne Powell said that even when the love has waned in a relationship or you find that you can no longer cope with the associated toxic features of it, terminating the union could be more difficult than you think. “Terminating a relationship is not as simple as some people may think, especially if you have committed a lot of time and effort to build the union. You may have even tried to walk away and move on with your life, but no matter how hard you try, you just can’t find the strength to say goodbye and not turn back, but as is expected your response would probably be, ‘easier said than done’,” Powell said.
He explained that this difficulty to cut ties with a partner could be linked to a number of reasons.
“It is really not easy to turn your back on some of the benefits of the relationship which may include financial security and good sex. One has to do a cost/benefit analysis and make an intelligent decision. Is it worth it to be in a relationship where you suffer psychological, emotional and physical abuse?”
Powell said that while making a clean break could be difficult, if you are serious about making it happen, then there is a 10-step system that you could follow to achieve this. He shares the steps below:
1. Weigh the pros and cons of the relationship, and if the negatives far outweigh the positives then it’s time to do what you have to do. Make sure you have the reasons for your decision firmly placed in your head so that in those moments of weakness you can remind yourself why you made the decision.
2. Make sure the head is aligned with the heart so that you won’t send mixed messages to your ex .If you indicate to him that the relationship is over, then you can’t be engaging in sexual intimacy when he comes around.
3. If you know that you have a weakness for your ex, then steer clear of him. Don’t visit him, especially if you both will be alone. If he has to visit you, make sure you have company so that it will be inconvenient for any kind of close contact to take place.
4. Remove any item that might remind you of the ex; this might mean removing the friendship ring you got at the beginning of the relationship. If there are items of clothing at your place, neatly put them aside and return them to him as soon as possible.
5. Pictures are permanent reminders that can bring back memories. It may mean you have to remove those romantic pictures from your
Facebook page as well as his portrait that is sitting on your dresser.
6. Be careful when he tugs at your heartstrings begging for forgiveness. Certainly, if the request is genuine you may want to consider it, but if the request is as frequent as rain in the hurricane season, then you know that he is just messing with your heart.
7. Don’t sit down and mope. Go out with your girlfriends and have some fun. If not, go out alone and enjoy your own company.
8. Don’t be in a hurry to start another relationship. Rebound relationships can be dangerous, as a “predator” will take advantage of your vulnerable emotional state.
9. Have an accountability partner who will monitor your movements and ensure you remain focused when those moments of weakness come along. Let the person know of the calls you may have received from your ex inviting you for a late-night snack at his house or a weekend getaway.
10. Establish the tenets of the revamped relationship. It is quite okay to remain friends, but do ensure you set the boundaries and abide by them and insist that they are respected.
