He can’t live without me
Dear Counsellor,
I ended my 12-year relationship with my boyfriend because he seems to be using drugs. His behaviour is weird and I couldn’t tell him anything as he is good at defending himself. Because of this, we always quarrelled. And now, after some months, he is telling me he wants us to get married, saying he cannot go forward with his life without me. I know he loves me, but I am scared that I may never have a happy married life. I have lost my trust in him. What shall I do?
People who are substance abusers can be difficult to live with and can make your life miserable. They can even become physically abusive. Some live in denial and refuse to get help. It is not unusual for some to defend their behaviour and to be aggressive towards their partners and family members who confront them about their substance abuse problem.
So you have decided to walk away from a 12-year relationship because of your partner’s drug abuse problem and he is indicating that he wants to get married to you and no doubt start a family soon after.
Your concern about your happiness if you were to go ahead with his proposal is understandable, as there would be no difference in the relationship if he is not treated for his compulsive behaviour. The quarrels would increase and your parents may not even participate in your wedding.
The truth is, the substance abuse is a big red flag that you can’t ignore, and walking into a situation that you know is a recipe for disaster would be unwise. What should you do?
Insist and be satisfied that he seeks and is getting professional help. It cannot be about pleasing you; he must want to do it for his own health and well-being. Be mindful that the recovery process can be lengthy and quite often the person drops out of the treatment programme. So you will have to be there for the long journey that the recovery procedure may require.
You mentioned that he said he can’t go on without you; that could be a reason for him to seek counselling as he may have thoughts of hurting himself. There seems to be a trust issue, according to you, which would need to be addressed in a counselling session as well.
If you love each other and you are contemplating reuniting with this gentleman, make sure you weigh the pros and cons carefully. He may well be a good person, but has this weakness in his life. If he manages to sort it out, he could be fine. If, however, he refuses to get help, then the marital misery you referred to may well become a reality.
Wayne Powell is a relationship counsellor. Write to crisscounselloronline@gmail. com; check out his work overseas on www.seekingshalom.org, e-mail powellw@ seekingshalom.org.
