Help! I can’t rise to the occasion
Dear Counsellor,
I am 31 years old and have not been with many women at all. The problem is that I have premature ejaculation 98 per cent of the time, so I’m always nervous when it comes to sex. I try making up for it in other ways, but my girlfriend, with whom I’ve only actually been intimate once (not for a lack of trying by both of us), admitted that I don’t satisfy her needs at all, but she says it doesn’t matter. I’ve tried oral (which has made up for it in the past), but it doesn’t help now either. At our first attempt at being intimate, I failed to ‘rise’ to the occasion. I know what she likes, due to her telling me, but I still do nothing for her. Can you please help me? I feel like this is why I never have luck in relationships.
Premature ejaculation (PE) is said to be the most common male sexual disorder and is highly treatable if the person is determined and disciplined to engage in the appropriate treatment options. A caring and willing partner would most certainly help in addressing the problem. Fortunately for you, your partner is prepared to work with you.
For many men, their introduction to sex was done in a hurried fashion and so with years of ‘quick draws’ their bodies become accustomed to releasing before they are ready to do so. PE is considered a conditional reflex response where the man has learned to ejaculate quickly and ignored the warning signs that precede ejaculation.
Although there may be biological/physiological factors that contribute to the condition, most times PE is psychological in nature. It is always recommended that the man sees a general practitioner and/or a urologist to rule out any urological problems. Psychological factors could include anxiety, depression, guilt, low self-esteem and negative body image. There are also relational issues such as power/control struggles, poor communication, fear of commitment and fear of intimacy that can contribute to the problem as well.
Like you, many men try to compensate for their inadequacy by offering other options which may or may not satisfy their partners. Treating PE requires that the man learns full-body relaxation, recognition of the sensations in his genitals during the act of lovemaking, and voluntary control of his PC muscles.
Two methods that have been tried and tested are the stop-start method and the squeeze method. Both methods would involve both partners working together in an open and non-threatening manner. Communication is key to carrying out these exercises. They must talk about the problem and be prepared to engage in moments of trial and error as they cooperate to address the issue.
I have included two links where you can learn more about the techniques — sexuality.about.com/od/anatomyresponse/ht/controlprematur.htm and www.medic8.com/healthguide/premature-ejaculation/sex-therapy-for-couples.html.
Sensate-focus exercise is also another option where the emphasis is less on sexual contact but more on feelings and sensations. The link below would provide more information on sensate focus option — stopprematureejaculation.co/sensate-focus/.
There are also medical/pharmacological treatment options that you can talk to your doctor about as well. Whatever technique is agreed on, you and your partner must be committed to the treatment process. You must believe that control can be achieved and your partner must be just as confident. If there is distress and discord in the relationship, fixing the ED problem will be that much more difficult. The erectile dysfunction you alluded to could also be anxiety related and so you may need to sit with a therapist to discuss the trigger factors that may exist in other areas of your life.
Wayne Powell is a relationship counsellor. Write to crisscounselloronline@gmail. com; check out his work overseas on www.seekingshalom.org, e-mail powellw@seekingshalom.org.
