7 things to discuss before marriage
DESPITE high divorce rates, many people still honour the institution of marriage and hope one day to recite vows of lifetime commitment at the altar to their significant other.
But whether it’s in premarital counselling or during a conversation with your potential spouse, it is important that certain things be discussed before tying the knot.
Relationship counsellor Wayne Powell shared with All Woman seven of these critical matters that must be settled.
1. Personal goals and aspirations
Powell said that each partner is coming into the marital relationship with his/her own personal goals which were probably set before the relationship was formed. As a result, he explained that the question may arise as to whether or not one partner may need to postpone while the other proceeds. However, if both partners’ goals can be pursued simultaneously without financial or relational strain, then all will end well; otherwise, a decision regarding the marriage should be made.
2. Communication and conflict management
“How will we relate to each other, always maintaining utmost respect and high regard, making a promise that no matter the circumstances, no one will call the other derogatory names or terms? Each partner should practise the use of “I” statements; for example: ‘When we were at the store and you shouted at me in public, I felt very embarrassed. I would prefer if you would call me aside and speak with me calmly.’ Discuss how conflicts will be handled. Choose the right time and place to discuss issues. Don’t avoid talking about the area of concern. When a major decision is to be made, make sure that both partners have an equal say before arriving at a final decision. Learn your partner’s love language and communicate accordingly,” Powell advised.
3. Finances
The relationship counsellor said it is important to ascertain who is the better money manager and let that person assume that role. “Decide if and how a joint account will be established. Mismanagement of funds can hurt the relationship, so be reasonable and prudent in your spending. You may have to curb your wanton spending habits that you developed while you were single,” he said.
4. Children
According to Powell, you should not play this area of your life by ear. “Discuss when and how many children you both are thinking about. It’s recommended that newly-weds spend at least two years together before the third person comes into the picture. The couple bonding is most important. Talk about contraceptives that are best for both,” he suggested.
5. In-laws, step-relations and families
“Discuss what involvement your family and in-laws will play in your marital life. How will you deal with interference? How often would you be visiting? What boundaries will be established?” he pointed out.
6. Spiritual values and other interests
The relationship counsellor said if one partner upholds certain spiritual values and the other does not, then this discussion must be had so that peace can exist in the household. Consideration must be given to contrasting views, whether or not a compromise can be struck, whether one party is a social butterfly and the other a homebody, and whether or not a schedule can be worked out to join each other in their comfort zone.
7. Sexual matters
As with the matter of having children, Powell advised that sex should be discussed before marriage. “Begin the discussions. Talk about expectations, frequency, fantasies, positions. If you are not so knowledgeable on the subject matter, read up on the topic and be informed,” he said.
