Never apologise for…
IT’s inevitable — people will judge you. It’s simply impossible to please everybody. And so sometimes, whether it is out of a genuine need to appease the offended, because we put the feelings of others above our own, or because we are polite, we often apologise when we shouldn’t have to or need to.
But how do you know what actions, situations or utterances do not require an apology?
“There is no problem with apologising, especially if someone was offended. It could mean apologising could mend or heal your relationship. However, there are times when unreasonable demands are made of us in a way that we would only be belittling ourselves since nothing was wrong with our decision in the first place,” psychotherapist Kevin Bailey told All Woman.
Below, he shares some scenarios that do not warrant an apology, regardless of how the other party/parties may feel:
Your personality/who you are
You should never apologise for your personality. You can apologise for behaviours, for being disrespectful, as your personality is your given omen but your behaviour is not.
Never apologise for your value
Our value system is what makes us who we are — our desire to be honest, committed, our belief in family and its unity and loyalty. These are things that we shouldn’t apologise for — the aspects of the moral fibre of which we are built. Nobody should be allowed to dictate what we should care or become passionate about.
For your past
We have all done something that we are not proud of or found ourselves in an unfortunate position that we have no control over, but have simply had to live with. However, sometimes no matter how you try to grow past it, there are some people who use it over and over to intentionally or unintentionally stymie your growth. Learn that mistakes are made, and what was done or said in the past has nothing to do with the person you are now.
For empowering yourself/achieving
Too many times we have seen people being chastised for elevating themselves, for achieving, simply because family, friends and community members never cared, were never strong enough to defy the odds, or become creative enough to reach beyond the expectations that were created. You should not have to feel bad for becoming educated, or for refusing to become a delinquent, for example. Don’t be discouraged by the jealousy of others.
For leaving toxic relationships
Relationships, whether platonic or romantic, should be a safe haven — a place where you can thrive without having to worry about being not constructively criticised, being abused or subject to jealousy, hate or other forms of maltreatment. If the environment provides the opposite of this, leaving may be your best option, and it would be the best decision yet.
For believing in love/loving
When we get broken-hearted, we are sometimes told by our friends and family that they were right about love — that it doesn’t exist and that we were fooling ourselves. Never allow a few bad experiences to destroy your beliefs, and in the same way, don’t be made to feel stupid on account of it. Also, you should feel free to love whomever your heart desires.
For expecting mutual respect
“There is absolutely nothing wrong with demanding respect — if anything, everyone should aim for this,” Bailey said. He pointed out that when respect is given in a similar way that is demanded, then it will make it much easier for boundaries to be acknowledged.
For refusing to tolerate abuse
Abuse of any kind should never be tolerated. You should never be forced, bullied or treated like property. You should never tolerate abuse, because the implications are far-reaching.
For having/setting boundaries
“Boundaries are very important to self-development, so ensure that you continue to encourage a healthy environment for your own self-development,” Bailey said. He noted that your boundaries are those pillars on which your confidence, self-love, self-empowerment and respect are built, and as such should be respected. And anyone who refuses to stay on the periphery of these boundaries, is disrespectful about their existence, or tries to derail you, should be the ones to apologise.
For humble beginnings
“Whatever the situation was, you had no control over it — neither for where you were born or the school you attended or for your parents’ occupations,” Bailey said. These situations being out of your control should not be used to judge you, and you should not be discriminated against because of any of these. What is not okay is the fact that people believe that they should belittle you because of your beginnings. You should be evaluated not by where you were born, but what you have brought to the table.
