The difference between a healthy relationship and a toxic one

SIMPLY put, in a toxic relationship the parties are unhappy, whereas in a healthy one they are happy. However, some people are unable to realise that they are in a toxic relationship, because there is no violence. This is where many of us go wrong. Violence is not the only sign that your relationship is toxic.

All Woman consulted Kevin Bailey, psychotherapist and associate at Family Life Ministries, on the differences between a toxic relationship and a healthy one.

He said he uses the SHARED principle in making this distinction.

S – SAFE

The first characteristic of a healthy relationship is that it is safe. Individuals feel safe physically, sexually, and in how they experience the relationship. At no point should a person feel that the other person would hurt them deliberately or intentionally.

H – HONESTY

The second characteristic is that the relationship should be characterised by honesty and the building of trust through openness and transparency. So there’s an understanding that despite the flaws of both partners, they will strive to direct the relationship to a place where they can trust each other through honest communication, and if mistakes are made then they will both take responsibility and be willing to make amends.

A – ACCEPTANCE

If the relationship is going to be healthy, it means that the parties must be able to accept each other unconditionally, without each trying to change the other. Nobody can change another person. You can only change yourself. Acceptance is important because it also says that you are celebrating their differences with all their imperfections, warts and all.

R – RESPECT

Respect is that you value the other person, their thoughts, opinions, dreams and fears. Whatever it is that they’re able to share, you are respecting them as another human being who stands right beside them on equal footing. Both sexes must have deep respect, pay attention to what the other person is saying, and how he/she feels even if he/she doesn’t fully agree with it.

E – ENJOYMENT

If the relationship is going to be healthy, it means that both persons must enjoy the relationship. It must not be the enjoyment of one person at the expense of the other. It wouldn’t be healthy. Persons must feel a deep sense of satisfaction, joy, empowerment and growth in the relationship.

D – DIVINELY INSPIRED

This is how relationships can contribute to a larger purpose on Earth. Relationships are supposed to have a deep meaning to families, society, the country, and the world.

“In looking at toxic relationships you can look at the opposite of the SHARED principle,” Bailey told All Woman. He went on further to say that most people display negative attitudes because they are suffering from wounds buried deep within. You find that persons like these:

1. Lack empathy

2. Are inclined to hurt others

3. Are self-centred

4. Do not accept responsibility for their behaviour even though it causes pain to others.

5. Find it difficult to be honest. They tell lies in a way that if you’re not careful you’ll doubt yourself and your own set of values.

6. Find it difficult accept others because they haven’t accepted themselves. They have been wounded in a profound way. Because they have not accepted themselves, they cannot fully accept another person and celebrate the good in that person. In their mind there is nothing good in themselves and so they cannot find anything good in you.

Whenever you recognise that you are in a toxic relationship, it’s good to seek help and make a plan for your exit. Depending on the severity of the situation you can seek help from local authorities to leave your partner.