Dealing with sex drive disparities
SEX is an important part of all romantic relationships. But oftentimes, sexual disparities can cause one or both partners grief. But having a higher or lower sex drive than your partner doesn’t always have to end with one party nursing an injured ego, or contemplating or acting on a desire to cheat. Sex therapist Dr Sidney McGill said it is possible to find a middle ground.
“Sexual disparity is a term which generally describes one partner having a noticeably higher demand for sex than the other. Having a strong sex drive could be due to a number of factors, from an elevated testosterone level, cultural beliefs about the sex acts, learned sexual promiscuity, or a way to reduce anxiety. The end point is that whatever the cause, you will both need to discuss and find the best approach to deal with the issue,” Dr McGill said.
He noted that when there is disparity in sex drives, a relationship can survive and both partners will be able to cope, but both partners should understand that communication, compassion and compromise are three Cs that will be integral to establishing a comfortable space for each other.
“Especially for the partner with the higher sex drive, they will notice that they have an insatiable desire and they are going to try every chance they get to have sexual contact. But they are also battling with whether they will be rejected, [and the other party will battle with] if they are just allowing themselves to be used because they are afraid to say no. Similarly, the other party (usually the woman) struggles with feeling like a horrible person because she said no, or insecure because she doesn’t know if it will push him to seek satisfaction elsewhere,” Dr McGill, explained, noting that this is why exercising the three Cs is important when discussing and working through the challenge.
He said that having established that there is an obvious disparity, couples should then identify the source of their triggers in order to explore ways to reach a compromise to make both partners happy.
“Look at what sex means to you: why do you need to have more (or less) sex? Look at each other’s sexual history. Was he always a tiger in bed, demanding more sex than you cared to have? Is there a pattern with when he or she becomes a sexual animal? Could it be associated with stress, his/her mood and level of anxiety?”
For example, Dr McGill underscored that if the analysis suggests that the trigger is anxiety — a common source he has identified in his practice — often he/she is likely to be demanding sex not because they can’t get enough of their partner, but because they are using sex for relief.
“If you want to have sex to reduce your anxieties — such as releasing tension after a very challenging day at work or using sex to make up, then there should be agreement that that is the reason for sex. With this, the partner with a lower sex drive can compromise, since this is likely to make his/her partner happier.”
Dr McGill also noted that there are other non-sexual exercises such as jogging that could lessen the desire to get relief from sex.
“The partner with a higher sex drive needs to learn to control the desire by shifting focus to more productive, creative things in his life — such as learning a new skill or developing a talent,” Dr McGill advised.
Another approach which Dr McGill finds is very effective with his patients is one he calls the “non-demand sex” which encourages the partner with the higher sex drive to appreciate their partner’s body and not just the genitals.
“The couple then habitually engages in foreplay in a relaxing ambience without the need for urgent penetration. Learning to see your partner’s entire body as a sex organ without exclusive focus on genitals is important. Make sex an event to remember by experimenting with unfamiliar positions, places, interesting foods, scents and music rather than habitual copulation where the only goal is to reach a climax,” Dr McGill explained.
The third method is also linked to communication. This requires establishing respect for each other’s body, without feeling offended if your partner is not in the mood.
“An important premise that should always be respected in your relationship is that neither partner should feel as though they are being used as a sex object. With this, you can intentionally build so that you can read the signs of your partner’s readiness to engage sexually with you,” Dr McGill recommended.
Sometimes, even when you have exhausted all your options, the disparity in sex drives will still seem to be tearing your relationship apart. At this time you will need to consider involving a counsellor to help you both work through what can be a very stressful situation.
