I don’t like being married
Dear Counsellor,
I am having difficulty making the transition from being single to being married. I was single for several years before I got married. During those years, I managed to become an independent professional. I am a Christian. I met my husband at a church function and we started dating. I think we dated for about one year before marriage. We did premarital counselling and all that. Before we got married, I thought that I could handle it, but now that I am in, I don’t like it at all. It is so very hard for me. It’s not been a year yet since I got married and I feel like I have had enough. I need help, or else I am going to mess up.
Throughout our life journey we make changes, some enjoyable, some not so pleasant. Think of what happens when we move up the education ladder. For some, the transition from secondary to tertiary education is a traumatic experience for the first couple of months, while for others it is a breeze.
Over time the person who thought he/she could not last the three or four years at college/university will settle down and enjoy the ride.
The point is, adjustments would have to be made with every change we make, and it must start within your mind. You must appreciate that your thoughts and actions as a single person would have to be altered as you transition to married life.
The mistake some newlyweds make is that they want to continue their single life while they are coupled up, and that is a recipe for conflict. Don’t get me wrong. I am not suggesting you should abandon your sense of independence, but that you share your space with your partner as the emotional bond is being built.
One can appreciate that having lived the single life for a long time, the transition is going to be a bit difficult, but with time and the loving support of your partner it can be done.
What is it that you don’t like? What were your expectations? Is it that those expectations are not being realised? Were you anticipating the storybook fantasy —“they lived happily ever after?” The truth is, marriage is hard work that requires the partners to roll up their sleeves and exert the effort required to make the marital relationship work.
In the first couple of months or years, partners are going through the trial-and-error period, getting to know each other, and this can be quite challenging. But if you are determined to make it work, you can do it.
As the Jamaican proverb goes, “See mi and come live wid mi a two different things.” The courtship masks are now removed and the real persons are being revealed. Take some time to rediscover your partner and keep the lines of communication open.
I would encourage you both to sit with a mature married couple and share with them some of the concerns and apprehensions you may have. Sometimes a few words of encouragement from those who are far ahead on the journey can be helpful.
Don’t despair. Give the marital relationship a chance to develop, if that is what you really want. Do your best, and hopefully your partner will do the same.
Take care.
Wayne Powell is a relationship counsellor. Write to agapemft@gmail.com; check out his work overseas on www.seekingshalom.org, e-mail powellw@seekingshalom.org.
