Overcoming relationship issues

PROBLEMS will arise in relationships for a variety of reasons, and sex therapist Dr Sidney McGill says that communication is critical in overcoming these issues. He advises couples to first express their concerns to each other, and then work to rectify the situation. Below are some common problems that many couples grapple with as they navigate relationships, and Dr McGill’s recommendations to overcome them. 

1. CommunicationIn many relationships couples refuse to listen and talk to each other. Take the time to talk about personal experiences you each have while you are apart. Make a pact to be lovingly honest with each other, even when you are angry, tired or disappointed. How you say what you want to say is crucial. Always preserve your partner’s feelings and lift each other’s self-esteem. Use dinners and breakfast times as opportunities to discuss family and work-related issues. Use moments after having sex to talk about your fears, doubts and needs. Go out together to have fun. 

2. UnfaithfulnessUnfortunately, being in love does not necessarily mean that the sex is good. People who are used to having multiple sex partners before settling down will find it difficult to stay faithful if the sex is not up to par. Couples should find ways to keep the sex alive so as to keep each other interested. 

3. Religious differencesOne partner might decide to become a Christian during the relationship, but this could pose a problem because each partner now has different religious views. The newly converted might even try to force their new belief system and way of life on their partner. It is wrong to force your beliefs on someone else. You can share them with your partner and slowly try to get them on board, but never force them. 

4. Different views on raising childrenPeople have different ideas on how to raise children. These ideas sometimes clash in relationships. If you are unhappy with your partner’s way of raising your children, discuss this in private. Do not voice your opinions in front of the children. 

5. Different interestsIt is natural for partners to have different interests, because not all individuals are the same. It takes time to start enjoying something you always disliked, but couples should try to accommodate each other’s interests. Learn to appreciate them, and whenever possible, try to participate. 

6. Ignoring your partner’s needsPartners obliviously put their own work and interests first, and their partner’s needs last. If you find yourself being neglected by your partner, talk to him or her about it. See what can be done to reach a compromise. 

7. Bad financial managementSometimes you find that one partner is a spendthrift while the other is a saver. It is advisable for the ‘saver’ to take the lead on financial decisions. The decisions, however, must be mutually agreed on. Discuss your priorities with each other and decide together. Relationship Counsellor Wayne Powell notes that couples need to find the right time and place to address these problems. Assess the problems and your partner’s personality before deciding on the appropriate time to discuss what is bothering you. According to Powell, if immediate confrontation will make matters worse, you should delay and speak about the matter at another time. Below are some pointers on how to broach the subject with your partner.•Talk with (not at) your partner when you are calm and emotionally controlled.•Use “I” statements when expressing how the issues make you feel.•Minimise the use of the word “You”. This reduces the risk of confrontation.• If you don’t have the facts, wait it out so you won’t accuse your partner wrongfully.•If it’s a matter that does not affect you, your partner, or the development of the relationship, it might be best to leave it alone.