When he cheats…and comes home with a baby

LORNA S is a broken woman. Her husband left home in January to set up house with his mistress. This was after Lorna found out that the woman was pregnant again, and went to her house to confront her. But now she wants him back.

“Of course I would take him back, even though this wasn’t the first time he was cheating,” she explained. “We have been married for 12 years, and my children are crying for their father. So of course I want him back.”

But coming back doesn’t seem to be part of her husband’s plans. Lorna said that after she confronted the other woman, her husband got angry with her for “degrading” herself, packed his things and left. He returns home some weekends to see the children, but for now it seems that he’s “more content elsewhere”.

“At first he was spending some days with her and some days at home, and though I didn’t like it, I couldn’t do anything about it,” Lorna said. “I found out he was cheating when he told me that he had got a woman pregnant. Then he said he had to be there to help her with the baby. He started staying home more after the child was a year old, then people started telling me that she was pregnant again and I snapped. Before that, just two years into our marriage, he had come to me with another outside child of his, whose mother didn’t want her, and I accepted that child into my home,” she said.

But accepting a third outside child proved to be her breaking point, and with her four children in the car, in January she went to the other woman’s house and created a ruckus.

“I admit that it was embarrassing, and I would never have stooped to that level otherwise. But how could he have made another baby with her?” she asked. “How could he leave me and his children after so many years and so many mistakes?”

Affairs can be traumatic for all involved, and they are especially upsetting when a child is a product of the affair. Psychotherapist Kevin Bailey said it is hard on the woman because of her high expectations from the relationship, and infidelity on the part of her spouse can be devastating.

He said the child that comes from the outside relationship will be a constant reminder of a painful event, an event that leaves the wife with anger, hurt, confusion, anxiety and insecurity bubbling inside.

And if the marriage survives, there are certain things that would need to be adjusted.

“The trust that the couple once shared is entirely shattered,” Bailey said, explaining that in some cases, however, if the partner shows genuine remorse for his actions and tries to create an environment where they can trust each other, then the woman will begin to feel comfortable again.

The relationship then has to be very open and transparent. This includes making the phone readily available, and telling your partner about your plans and whereabouts, he said.

Bailey recommends that when a man cheats and a child is the result of the affair, the couple should discuss the following about the child:

• Living arrangements

• The level of contact that the man will have with the

child’s mother.

• Is the wife emotionally healed enough to handle

accommodating the child?

•How much more money will it cost to maintain the

child?

• How will the couple co-parent?

He said the couple will also need to have a family discussion with their children, explain that there is a new addition to the family, and that they will have to share and live together.

“The child is a constant reminder of the hurt and pain that the woman went through. She might mistreat the child, whether intentionally or not. If there is temptation to do this, the woman needs to remember that the child is in no shape or form responsible for what happened,” Bailey said.

“The father must be patient and not tell the wife to get over the infidelity. Grieving takes time and the woman needs time to grieve,” he said.