Is settling for second place all that bad? Making the mistress situation work for you

PLAYING number two in a man’s life has been a well established scenario throughout history. Nevertheless, assuming that role will be sure to earn a woman the title of scheming homewrecker, matey, side chick and man thief, just to name a few.

But while most women will swear on the Bible to spurn such a relationship, the fact is that they may end up considering it, depending on what life throws their way. And when this happens, they may wonder if playing this role is as deplorable as it is often made out to be.

Just ask Pam W, 48. A self-confessed “serial mistress” in her younger days, she tells All Woman that her first relationship with a married man started at age 25 after her divorce, when her boss helped her to buy a house in St Catherine.

“He offered to help with the down payment, and the relationship started from there. Then when I got through with the house, he would help me with groceries and hairdos every weekend, and we would go out to the country on long drives. He had his family, but he was bored and I provided some entertainment,” she said.

At the same time that she was dating him, she was also involved with another married man who helped her to tile and furnish the house. When that association came to an end, she entered a long-term relationship with another married man whose wife lived overseas.

“I loved that one, and I was more like the wife. He was like a real boyfriend to me — he would fix my car and do work in the yard — and we were together for years, until his wife filed for him,” she said. “That one was the only one I’d consider a lost love.”

In her view, the role she played was never “second place”, as she got exactly what she wanted. When the men went home to their families, she had time to spend with hers.

“After the divorce I never wanted another relationship like that, so I was fine with men who I would just see for several hours each week,” she said. “I never disrespected any of their wives. In fact, there was one guy I dated briefly, and when his wife found out, she confronted me and asked me to leave her husband alone. I did just that — no regrets,” she said.

Iva T Louise, a woman who has been a mistress for over 40 years, and who wrote the book Mistress Secrets: A Memoir, said in a previous interview with All Woman that there are boundaries and principles that a mistress should apply in relationships.

“The role starts from within. To be a mistress you have to be wise, you have to be flexible, you have to have compassion, you have to have empathy, you have to have understanding; otherwise you will not be able to leave room for him and his wife to cope. She was there before you, and had her reason to be there. A good mistress wouldn’t want to change that and shouldn’t want to change that,” she said.

“Being a mistress, some of the things I didn’t do was to call him at his home. I never brought suspicion to his wife, I respected her for that role she played, and as a woman myself, I could understand that. I didn’t call him at certain hours, I didn’t send him home with the smell of sex. As a mistress you’re protecting your side, and if that man is important to you, you take responsibility for that role and give respect where it is due.”

But some counsellors, in addressing this issue, will tell you that mistresses are settling for mediocrity.

Anthony L Gordon, certified family educator, counsellor and relational health specialist from Family Relational Health Services, said that in his estimation, women don’t want to share.

“Look at Biblical examples. There was Rachel and Leah. Elkanah had two wives — Hannah and Peninnah — and they were at loggerheads. Sarah told Abraham to go to Hagar and Hagar resisted second place. So although women seemingly endorsed the culture, there seems to be some negative emotion that second place strikes up. For these Biblical women, although they ushered it, they were not harmonious,” he explained.

He added: “In modern society where polygamy is practised, when I listen to interviews of ex-seconders they will tell you they acclimatised their minds and adjusted to it in their social psyche, but in their personal psyche they wanted more.”

Gordon further stated that this is not the quality of life anyone should want.

“We tend to have the mindset that as long as what I’m getting is not necessarily ‘what lef’, why not work with it? [But] if we’re talking about quality of life, we must have some ideals we’re shooting for. Second-placers don’t have ideals. Even if some women do it for economic reasons, deep in their minds they desire better.”