When to expect the ring

THOUGH people may enter relationships at first for the fun and frolic, as time passes one or both partners may expect more. Women in particular may begin to drop hints about marriage and start looking for a proposal.

Usually, these expectations come when the woman develops a certain level of confidence in her man, believes she is loved unconditionally, and that he sees her as wife material. At this juncture, she expects the man to “make the next move”. Some even envision the man getting down on one knee and popping the question.

But despite these expectations, some women will wait a lifetime for a ring, which may or may not be forthcoming.

So when should you actually expect him to put a ring on it? Is there a time limit to dating? How long is too long to wait?

According to relationship counsellor Wayne Powell, there is no timeline as to how long individuals should date. He said that each couple should understand that there is a goal, and that the dating should not go on indefinitely.

“If they are considering marriage, then the discussion must be current and not be put on the back burner. The issue is that some women often assume that men are thinking of them in that way [when they are not], so ensure you have the conversation,” he said.

Some experts take the discussion further and posit that more young people are cohabiting and view it as a “dry run” for marriage, but then others find that some couples who cohabit prior to marriage end up in marital discord.

Powell explained that this happens because some people who live together before marriage usually have less conservative views about the institution, and if they are unhappy with the relationship, would rather bail than try to solve things, as the foundation needed for a solid marriage may not have been developed.

Below three married men weigh in on what they believe are acceptable timelines and circumstances.

Ricardo Johnson:

I knew my wife for roughly five years before we decided to get married. It took knowing the regular things like her likes, dislikes, family, what upsets her, what makes her happy, earning trust, her spiritual beliefs, knowing her value system and us having the discussion about marriage. It wasn’t just a one-off mention, it was me being sure she was ready for this step and being sure I was also ready. Being satisfied, I simply bought the ring and asked her. There is no yearly limit. I just think once you’re both prepared and certain, having discussed it and assessed it, you make the move.

Andre Lawrence:

I think before you even venture into dating, you should be friends with the person you intend to marry. If you want a timeline for dating — a year and a half, two years; but if you’re using the friendship timeline, I believe you should get to know somebody for a good two years. Get used to them so much that you’re attracted to them, then another two years, date and get down to the nitty-gritty of personality. Two plus two equals four.

Reverend Karl Johnson:

There’s no exact science or formula or any real chronological time to know when a dating person (in this case a woman) should expect a ring. That would depend on several factors such as age, stage, maturity, readiness, to name a few. A dating 18-year-old might be at a different stage/place than a dating 40-year-old; someone who has had more experience dating might be more in touch with themselves and their expectations than someone who is inexperienced in that department. The most important consideration is that the only right time for an engagement is when both parties’ expectations are aligned, and both are ready to be engaged. With that in mind, one could bear the following in mind: intentionality — aligning expectations of the dating relationship; transparency — committing to being/showing your true self, coming out of your ‘bubble’, interacting with significant persons and their family, friends; honesty — sharing the things that matter to you (whether they annoy you or you appreciate them); and courage — to make the tough, heart-breaking decisions. There is also something to be said about allowing the relationship to develop naturally and gradually, relaxing into it and enjoying the time being spent together. It is a delicate balance between living in the moment and anticipating and planning for the future without inadvertently undermining the relationship in the process. Timing and intentions are paramount.

Powell said a woman might earn the ring by following these steps:

1. Being real

It is not advisable to pretend in order to impress a man. “It is best to be yourself and let the man decide if he wants you just the way you are,” he said.

2. Don’t pressure your man

“Don’t put undue pressure on him to get married; it might just be a turn-off and further delay the process,” Powell said.

3. Don’t annoy him or be miserable

“Don’t ‘nengeh-nengeh’ in his ears, because miserableness is not a virtue,” Powell said.

4. Be in good standing with his family

Powell said women should establish good rapport with the man’s family and friends. “It is a good sign when his family — especially his mother — and his friends like you,” he said.

5. Don’t be extravagant

Powell said insisting on an extravagant wedding may turn off your man.

6. Get counselling

Be sure that you get professional premarital counselling to help you prepare to enjoy a long and lasting love.