Don’t take relationship advice from these people

WHEN problems surface in your relationship, a strong support system can come in very handy to help you navigate the choppy waters. Whether it is a shoulder to cry on, a listening ear, or someone to offer tangible support when you need to pack up and get out, trusted individuals are of the utmost importance. But beware! Not everyone will have your best interests at heart, and not everyone will give you sound advice. Using a line from Max Ehrmann’s Desiderata , sex therapist Dr Sidney McGill counsels: “Listen to others, even the dull and the ignorant; they too have their stories.” But while you listen, be careful whose advice you seek and absorb, as some people might have a different agenda from yours. It might be useful to get help from those whose mistakes have actually taught them how to sustain healthier relationships.

Dr McGill warns that people to avoid getting advice from include:

1. Those with cynical, sexist views about people in general

These people think that men are dogs and women are gold diggers. This line of thinking implies that they have unresolved issues and are just spreading their poison around. You don’t need that kind of negativity in your life.

2. Drug addicts or recently recovering addicts

They tend to be insecure and need help themselves. In addition, they do not think rationally.

3. Those who readily agree with you

These usually fall into the category of friends and relatives. They tend to be biased and might not help your situation, especially when you may have been the guilty party and your spouse is innocent. Don’t share too much information with these people, as while you and your partner may work things out, they’ll probably still keep blaming your partner for perceived wrongs.

4. A single friend who is never in a stable relationship

Your single friend who cannot keep a relationship going will guide you through the exit door, even if your relationship could have been saved. He or she will do this because it is the norm for him/her to be alone, or your friend might be envious of your relationship.

5. Your ex

You should be wary of taking relationship advice from an ex. He or she might still have strong feelings for you, or may feel bitter towards you because of the break-up.

6. Your psychic/horoscope/fortune teller

Leaving your future up to the stars, the whims and fancies of a horoscope or fortune teller is not wise. While some people place much stock in these individuals, life is complex, and the future of your relationship with your mate cannot be dictated by the stars, no matter how ‘accurate’ they may seem.

7. Your co-workers

Many of these people spend a great deal of their waking hours at work, and may not be settled in solid relationships. Don’t involve them in important decisions to do with your love life. While you may be close to your co-workers, remember that the workplace is a mish-mash of different people who have been thrown together by fate, and issues like workplace politics and clawing to climb the career ladder can affect the objectivity of the advice they offer.

8. Your pastor/church brethren

Many Christians place their lives totally in the hands of their church leadership, and this can be a fatal mistake. Remember: We are all humans, we all make mistakes, and neither the pastor nor the church leadership can understand the ins and outs of your relationship. So, what practical advice can they offer about its survival? In fact, many of them are grappling with similar issues, and not every solution to your problems can be found in the Bible. While it is OK to listen to advice on the broader merits and morals as believed by your particular denomination, your pastor should not be giving you very intimate advice about the person you’ve chosen to be with.