Adults tell what it was really like growing up without a dad
HUNDREDS of pieces of research have been produced about the psychological ramifications for children who grow up without their fathers, painting a damning picture of mental and emotional horrors such as depression, anxiety, behavioural disorders and poor academic performance. One study went as far as to suggest that this could permanently affect the structure of the brain.
Some experts have countered, saying that mothers can in fact parent effectively by themselves, and there have been many success stories from adults who have been fathered by their mothers, and managed to do extremely well.
But outside of the theories, what is this experience like in the practical sense? How do the children feel about the experience? All Woman asked readers who grew up without fathers to shed light on what life without a dad was really like, and they share their experiences below:
Ashley, 35, accountant:
My dad left my mom when I was about three. He didn’t live with us, but he came around often until one day he just stopped. As I grew older I realised that he had not wanted me and wanted to ship me off to some relative who he said could give me a better life in the States, but my mother was relentless. I mattered to her and because she chose me, he left. I felt guilty for many years because my mom loved my dad and I thought it made her sad that he didn’t come around, not knowing she was happy that I didn’t have to experience his fake love. She showed me so much love, was so patient, and did all the things they said dads would do. I liked sports like him and she hated it, but she went with me and even allowed me to get involved. To be honest, she made life so good even though there wasn’t much, and I barely missed him. I would be lying if I didn’t say his abandonment didn’t make me bitter or that I wouldn’t have loved to hang out with him, to talk sports with him, and hear him say he loves me even if it didn’t come from the most genuine place. But I think he did me — well us — a favour when he walked away. My mom and I are still two peas in a pod today, and for that I am grateful.
Sashana, 23, teacher:
Growing up without a dad was okay, it’s not like I knew any different. I accepted what my family looked like without a man — my mom and my siblings and I, and I was okay with that.
Jevaughn, 41, business executive:
Not having a father around didn’t start bothering me until I went to school in town and I saw how involved many fathers were in the education and general upbringing of their children. It led me to think that I was not worthy and I was insignificant and that that was why my father wanted nothing to do with me. I found that I started drifting to a crew of boys whom I shared one thing in common with — no dad. They smoked weed and soon I started doing it too. I didn’t stop doing my schoolwork, but I got in trouble a lot. One day I met with my primary school football coach. My distraught mother had seen the shift and went to him for advice. Without my saying it, she knew I was allowing the fact that my dad rejected me to determine the course of my life. When I tried to slip out of the truth, he collared me and said to me, “He does not get to win, not after all your mom has invested.” And I think that those words saved me. I didn’t stop my craziness immediately, but in about four weeks I was back to my normal honour roll, honour behaviour, and involved self.
Avadeen, 29, office attendant:
I think that you can’t miss what you didn’t have so I won’t say it was a big blow for me. I did imagine what it would be like, but it’s not like I was seeing a lot of father-daughter or father-child relationships in general around so there was hardly any reason to be jealous. I would say the only painful thing for me was my mother often rubbing it in my face that my father wasn’t doing anything for me and that she had to be doing everything, and that I’d better not be as ungrateful as him. But as I got older I looked past all of that.
Dennis, 35, carpenter:
I am the spitting image of my father, unfortunately, because that man does not deserve it. I watched mama struggle and watched people take advantage of her and us because things were so bad for us. I had to start working at an early age doing odd jobs for people — my mother didn’t ask but I had to help her. People in the community used to call me “Mr Dependent” because I was reliable and professional. It was a lot of responsibilities and burdens for me and because of that going to school was sometimes difficult because of the money. I hated my father, deep hate, even though my mother said I should learn forgiveness. I was so angry I dreamt about how I would beat him if he ever came around. That was satisfying for me and even today that is how I feel. I have never met him. I hear he is in America and I am hoping the devil never encourages him to come looking for me because he would surely get it.
