He’s too close to his babymother
Dear Counsellor,
I started dating a man who is super sweet and cute. He’s very nice, upfront and real, which I see as a good thing. My problem is, he has children and they are under six and he has the children for the entire week. On the bright side, he gets most weekends off. One day I went to see him, and he suggested that we take my car as his babymother had his car. I am not OK with that. Was it wrong for me to get upset? I think they are too close and sometimes I wonder why they aren’t together. Should I run now? Isn’t something wrong with this picture?
The challenge you and so many other women have who are either dating or in committed relationships with men who have children, especially if they are young, is that the men and their babymothers will always be in communication. The interaction between them should be centered around the children they share, but unfortunately for the girlfriends in some instances, the relationships go far beyond co-parenting.
You, like the other women who find themselves in similar relationship scenarios, feel as if the babymothers have more clout and wield much more power and authority than they do. In your case the babymother has the privilege of driving his car which no doubt he would say occurred because the children were to be transported somewhere and so to facilitate that exercise he lent her the car.
The truth is, the babymother status does carry a lot of weight and some babymothers do make sure that they establish and maintain a presence in the babyfathers’ lives. I am sure you are aware that some babymothers do have an agenda. For some they have no intention of letting go even if the gentleman ended the relationship. They will use any means available to get him back. Some will even go to the extreme of using the children as bait to get attention.
You will appreciate that both your boyfriend and the mother of his child would have had a history that preceded you and so she would know him much better than you do and know his weaknesses. One such weakness could be sexual and so the crafty babymother could use this knowledge to her advantage and lure him into her bed and make him an offer he can’t resist.
The idea is not to scare you out of your present relationship, but to let you open your eyes to the possibilities.
The failure of some babyfathers to establish and maintain boundaries with the mothers of their children can result in tension in their current relationships.
As his partner you need to have a conversation with him indicating your discomfort with what now exists and challenge him to make the necessary changes and adjustments to his interaction with his babymother. You can probably make some reasonable suggestions to him as to how he can erect the necessary and appropriate boundaries.
It is the responsibility of the man in the middle to ensure that he strikes a happy medium and places his partner at the top of the totem pole where she belongs. She should not feel she has to compete with anyone to get his attention. He should maintain a cordial but non-sexual relationship with his babymother and keep the children at the centre of the interaction always.
If after you have the conversation with the gentleman and your reasonable request for boundary setting is refused, then you would know if you need to run or remain. Let your head rule your heart. All the best.
Wayne Powell is a relationship counsellor. Write to agapemft@gmail.com or powellw@seekingshalom.org. Check out his work on www.seekingshalom.org and his Facebook page at www.facebook.com/MFTCounselor/.
