Sculpting him into Mr Right

A lot of women wish their men were many things – more faithful, kinder, more sensitive, more romantic, more creative in bed, and the list goes on. But does the woman have the power to bring about these changes? Or does she have to sit and wait until he decides to change on his own, if ever? Is she better off just leaving that man as she saw him and moving on to someone who is more to her liking? Or is it her responsibility to build herself a man out of what she is presented with?

These readers share their perspectives and experiences.

Chevelle, 24, sales associate:

You can never change a man. He changes himself, and that happens when he feels the need to.

Keneisha, 31, caregiver:

Yes you can change them, but it’s all in your approach and your standards. Men are like children – they know good behaviour but they test your limits and act according to how you treat them. If they know they can get away with certain things, they will push the boundaries. You have to set your limits from day one, and let them know that you don’t take bull. More than that, you have to mean it. The more chances you give, the more of a weak fence you become. My man came with that ‘not going down’ garbage like most Jamaican men, but I told him frankly from day one that I enjoy it, and I wouldn’t enter a relationship (or bed) with someone who doesn’t. He lingered around for a few months thinking I would change my mind, but when he saw that I was strict about “No eatings, no beatings”, he decided to dive in. Now he is a pro.

Olivia, 24, occupational therapy assistant:

You can’t change anybody that doesn’t want to change. You can only change yourself. Change from being that person who waits for people to change.

Cherry, 26, model:

A man will agree to change and still choose to do what he wants to do. Whenever they get certain women in their lives they decide which one they actually want to change for. Based on how he feels about a specific girl, he will decide that he will do certain things for her because he wants her to stay in his life. You can’t force them. You can be with a man for years and constantly tell him that you want this or that, and he still won’t do it unless he feels like he needs to do it to please you. Otherwise they don’t care.

Ashley, 24, student:

I don’t think a woman can make a man change, just like I don’t think a man can make a woman change. To change is a decision made by the individual based on the specific circumstances. Change and growth are possible within the scope of a mature, loving relationship, but your focus should not be to change a person. That’s how you found him and that’s probably who he wants to be. If you didn’t like that, why did you take him up? I think we should be very selective with our partners. When obstacles come we must be able to sit down and have discussions about the problem and the solutions we see. Instead of trying to change someone, let’s try our best to love the person for who they are, and if that’s not possible, move on.

Kaylie, 29, traveller:

It depends on the individual. They’ll either take it and better themselves or worsen themselves. It all boils down to mindset. Mindset is very, very powerful. In order for changes to happen within a human being, that human’s mindset must be set on doing just that.

JR, 25, unemployed:

Yes a woman can get a man to grow up or change. If you want to know if a man truly loves you, tell him to change something or a situation. My husband was living at home with his mom, working at a low-income job, and he knew the only way it was going to work with me was to change the situation. He found a better paying job, moved out, and got himself together. We’re now married and starting a family.

Trevann, 23, writer:

A man will only change if he wants to. Maybe a woman can inspire change but the majority of the responsibility is on the man. It’s also not her job.

FROM A MAN’S PERSPECTIVE

It’s possible, but it takes time

Prendy, 31, driver:

Well I was that type of guy who would ogle every girl I saw. That doggish side that I inherited from my father just couldn’t be satisfied. And my girl caught up with me more than once and she still didn’t give up on me. Last December she did something really special for me and it hit me on a drastic level. From that time on it changed my mindset. I don’t act like I did before, and everyday it’s an aim for me not to hurt her feelings. I don’t know if she changed me, or if it’s her actions that prompted me to change myself.

Chris, 29, photographer:

I think it’s possible, but it takes time. The problem is that some women meet you a certain way, write up the project in their little diaries, and expect you to be a new man in three months. Sometimes you even reach a certain level with them and have one little slip up and they’re ready to cut. That’s unfair! I think the change is possible, especially if the man really rates you, but you just can’t expect it to come overnight. It’s a process. And nobody is perfect so you can’t make a perfect man. You can help bring him up to scratch but a man is still just a man.

Myron, 44, security guard:

Of course! My wife changed my whole life. I would probably be dead already if she didn’t take me off the road. If it wasn’t gunshot it would have been AIDS, because I was just running down frock tail and idling with guys. She gave me a reason to go home early and stay home when night comes. She made me want to go hard on the hustle because I don’t like when she asks me for something and I don’t have it. A woman can change man, but it has to be a real strong woman who doesn’t put up with foolishness.

Payton, 21, student:

A good woman can make a man better by unlocking his existing potential, but she cannot change him. Any change in a man brought about by a woman is ephemeral, and when he gets fed up, which he will, he reverts to his true self. When you force a man to be someone he is not, he will resent you for it.