Monitoring your child’s digital footprint without overstepping

LONG gone are the days when parents could be sure that their children were only communicating with relatives while at home. In this era of technology, teenagers have moved from meeting on street corners to talk in the shadows, to sliding into each other’s DMs (direct messages) on social media.

As parents, it might not be very difficult to monitor your teen’s whereabouts, but it can become quite a task to keep track of their digital footprint. Parents may have questions, such as: “Who are they talking to online?”, “Are they engaging in illegal activity?”, and “Are they safe from predators?”, but keep these things to themselves for fear of invading their teenager’s privacy.

Life coach and author of parenting self-help book Mayhem, Mirth and Mastery: Memoirs of Single Parenting, Caleen Diedrick, says it takes time, but it is possible to walk the thin line between protecting your teen and invading their personal space. The process, she says, is one that should start even before the child is a teenager.

Foster a safe space at an early age

“The thing that we need to recognise as parents is that when children become teenagers, they are going to want to interact with members of the opposite sex,” she stated. “This is a natural part of their development. If it is that we fostered a space where the children felt safe enough to come and talk to us about it, then we wouldn’t need to police to the extent that we are now policing. Most of us, because we have not created that relationship with our children, end up having to become detectives to find out what is happening and who they are speaking with.”

Set limits

“Stipulate an age limit at which your children can join certain social media sites and which ones they can be on,” she suggested. “Some of the sites have their own age limits, so if your child is below that, you know it’s out of the question. When they come of age, you decide with them which ones they can join.”

Follow them on social media

“Acquaint yourself with who they are following, and who follows them,” Diedrick said.

She used the example of her own daughter, detailing when she noticed an unfamiliar person following and commenting on her daughter’s pictures on social media, and how speaking to her child might have very well averted a predator.

“I said, ‘Who is this man and why is he following you? If you don’t know this person then you need to block him from your page’.”

Slide in the DMs

“There is a time now that I get the phone and check the DMs, and she doesn’t know when I am going to take it,” she told All Woman matter-of-factly. “We need to know who our children are talking to, and what kinds of conversations they are having with these people. That’s a part of our role as parents.”

Know their friends outside of social media

“Get to know their friends, so when they are in the group chats and so on, you know who this person is. There is a point at which your children need to understand that you are going to be checking to see exactly what is going on, and that it is for their safety,” she said. “You don’t want another parent to check their child’s phone, and your child is saying something inappropriate.”

Know your child

“The child has to demonstrate a certain level of maturity. It is not necessarily age-specific, you have to know your child,” Diedrick underscored. “If you have fostered an open relationship with your child, where they feel comfortable sharing their lives with you and telling you when they like someone, or what their plans are, then you don’t need to police that child as much. But if you did not create this opportunity, you are going to always feel as if you need to be following-up this child.”

Talk with your child

“Have dialogue with your children to say, ‘When I check your phone, it is just me trying to make sure that you are safe; that you are not exposed to any form of predator; or that somebody that you like is not asking you to do anything inappropriate; or that you are not being bullied.’ You need to culture a relationship with your children, when you can talk as friends because they are becoming big people,” Diedrick noted.

— Candiece Knight