I Regret tying myself to him
DEAR COUNSELLOR,
My partner and I have been together for nine years. We have a child together and we recently bought a house together. It took a lot out of us financially and now I am wondering if financially tying myself to him was the best decision.
Over the course of the relationship he has cheated on me at least three times that I know of. I think he is doing it again and I have grown so much resentment for him that it is frustrating me. I don’t know if I could forgive him if my suspicions are true.
I must admit that it would really tear me apart especially since our child is so young and I invested so much time in the relationship. I love him and he does make me happy, but now I am at a breaking point.
For the record, I don’t depend on him. I am gainfully employed and we go half and half on most things. What should I do?
In a committed relationship the partners give of their time, effort and resources without reservations. They seek to build a life together that would involve personal sacrifices and it is expected that each partner will honour, respect and reciprocate in equal terms.
So in your case you have invested financial resources into buying a house with your partner; a decision that you are having second thoughts about as you reflect on his cheating habits. It must be heart-rending to devote so much energy in a relationship and your partner does not seem to appreciate the importance of maintaining exclusivity.
When you say that he makes you happy, what does that mean? Does it mean that he provides adequate financial support? There are some women who would settle for financial support and disregard the emotional component of the relationship. It is obvious that emotional support is high on your priority list especially as you are not totally dependent on your partner for financial sustenance.
You mentioned that he has cheated more than twice (that you are aware of). Once or twice may be a mistake or a moment of weakness, but three times or more is intentional. It is obvious that your partner does not intend to maintain exclusivity in the relationship and would want to have his cake and eat it too.
You need to have a serious heart-to-heart talk with Mr Mention and let him know in no uncertain way that his actions and behaviour are not building the relationship but instead are causing you much emotional pain and hurt. If he truly cares about your feelings and the stability of the relationship, he would reconsider his actions and curb his wandering tendencies.
By the way, getting married to him and moving into the new house does not guarantee that he will make the required changes and avert his habit of straying away from home. Surely, he may have formed and practised the behaviour long before he met you and may not wish to cease and desist due to the sexual pleasure derived.
So as you contemplate the future of the relationship, include counselling intervention as one important element going forward. The longer you take to initiate the process the stronger the resentment will grow and the deeper the depressive state will become.
Keep your child close to you during your moments of unhappiness and shower him/her with love and attention even as you may be devoid of same from your gentleman.
Take care.
Wayne Powell is a relationship counsellor. Write to agapemft@gmail.com. Check his Facebook page at www.facebook.com/MFTCounselor/.
