Unorthodox desires, demons and deviants

WHEN you’ve been with someone for a while, chances are you’ll believe that the person is pretty much an open book — odd proclivities and all. However, while this might be true for many couples, sex therapist Dr Sidney McGill said that sometimes a spouse might go to great lengths to conceal unorthodox desires and demons from their partners.

Do you suspect that your partner may be a little north of normal? Dr McGill explains some signs that might help you to uncover your partner’s secret life.

“No matter what undesirable behaviours your partner is involved in, one sure thing is that you’ll find yourself in the middle of an agonising situation. Depending on the degree of ‘freak’, you will experience varying amounts of emotional pain and anguish, but knowing the truth is the first step to addressing or helping your partner to face his demons,” Dr McGill said.

For example, paedophiles love to collect photographs or videos of children, so if you find in your partner’s possession a hidden collection of images of children who are either clothed, half or fully dressed, as well as child erotica and child-adult pornography, you should take heed.

Paedophiles come in many forms — while some of them may be aggressive, others are most charming and unassuming. They tend to be men who are overly obsessed with children and generally prefer children of a particular gender and age.

What other indicators are there that your spouse may share this proclivity?

1. Paedophiles, no matter how busy, often make themselves available whenever there is a chance to babysit or to be in the company of a child privately. They will change their plans just to facilitate these times alone with a child; however, no one and nothing else could have gotten them to change their plans otherwise. Parents often see them as a God-send and as such are unsuspecting.

2. You see him on several sites, apps and chat rooms that specifically target kids and teens. Children share a lot of information online and as such it makes an ideal scouting ground.

3. He likes to buy toys and gifts for random children, and often makes sure that he is in a position to engage children. Therefore, he is likely to fight tooth and nail just to make sure he is employed in a role that allows easy access to children.

Another tendency you may not be aware of is the partner who has double interests in both men and women. Some people no longer feel that they have to choose to have one sexual preference or another, and for those who find themselves having a physical, sexual and emotional attraction to both sexes, Dr McGill says these can be classified as bisexual. He said that while you might be suspect that your partner is physically drawn to someone of the same sex, chances are that is just what it is — an attraction. However, if you suspect that your partner might be bisexual, these below are more solid indicators that he might be.

1. He is not only OK with you drooling over another man, but might even join you in admiring his finer qualities to the point that he seems to be lusting. In some instances, he might even ‘joke’ around about the possibility of enjoying some romance.

2. He shares fantasies that involve individuals of the same sex. For example, chances are that a man would not express interest in a threesome where a second man is the other participant.

3. You often see same-sex adult entertainment in your home computer history; there are plenty of videos on his; or if it is that you watch these shows together, you realise that your partner has a preference for single sex action.

4. Take note of how your partner interacts, embraces or touches members of the same sex. In addition to this, you can also take note of how his friends of the same sex respond; you will know if they seem more like lovers than just friends.

Is he the type to scour the streets or go through an escort service for his preferred other woman? While there is no way of being sure that your husband is into this type of business, there are some things that could help to strengthen your suspicions:

1. If your partner uses a credit card and you can access his bills, what you can do is check for charges such as guest house fees or massage therapy charges.

2. Discarded condom wrappers in the car is another way that you can know.

3. If you often see cheap female products and other evidence on his person or in his personal belongings, start watching more closely. For example, you find cheaply made feminine products such as strands of synthetic hair, earrings, lipsticks. You might also smell cheap fragrances in his car and see make-up marks on intimate places on his clothing and car interior.

Dr McGill said the only true way that you can confirm any of these is with a confession or, of course, solid evidence. He explained that since any type of ‘deviant’ sexual behaviour is difficult to disclose to a spouse, your partner might be unwilling to admit the truth for various reasons, such as shame or fear of being judged. As difficult as it may be, it is important that if you suspect any of these that you try, perhaps with the support of a professional, to address your partner in a non-aggressive, non-judgmental tone to uncover the truth so that you can take appropriate action.