Free, single, and putting things into perspective

LIFE as a single woman may be freeing for some; for others it may be difficult. But there is one thing that all single ladies can attest to and that is the ability of the single status to help them put so many things into perspective — that includes valuable lessons about possible male suitors and themselves as well.

Curious about some of what women have learned over the years, All Woman asked women to share some of the lessons they learned about themselves and men while they were single.

Samoya, 33, police officer

About myself: I learned that I liked the freedom of being single, but the perks of being in a relationship, and that I would much prefer to go home to an empty house than to live in a loveless house. I realised that I value my individualism much more, as when I am in a relationship I believe I am forced to function as one entity with my partner and that is suffocating. It doesn’t mean I cannot fully love anyone, it just means I like spending time with myself far more than being in a relationship allows.

About men: The majority of them have an issue with being loyal, they are clingier than most would admit, and they demand more than they are willing to give in return. These men nowadays tend to be boyish and despite how things have changed, they still want a traditional type of woman.

Rochelle, 37, risk analyst

About myself: I learnt to be kinder and more compassionate to myself. I learnt to relove and appreciate myself, I learnt that I was much better company than I gave myself credit for, that I had more to offer than I was allowed to see, and that sometimes you need a break to recalibrate and to get in touch with yourself because it is possible to lose touch of who you are even when your relationship is healthy.

About men: I learned that men, no matter what you do, unless they want to do something, they cannot be forced. I learnt that they will put on a big show, but then they lose all their fire by the time the relationship starts to get serious. I also learnt that some men who just don’t appeal to me are the real treasures, but I cannot enter a relationship when I am not at least a little attracted to a man.

Catherine, 41, writer

About myself: I learnt that I had to love myself and by that I mean truly love and value myself before I could love anyone else. I realised that I needed to understand who and what I value and be stern enough to never compromise on any of these values or principles that I hold because the moment I did I would have said, in essence, these terms are negotiable, or there is a chance that they may be. I also learnt that a man will evaluate the way you treat yourself and use it as a yardstick to measure how he will treat you after marriage.

About men: I learnt that a man who truly wants things to work will make things work. I learnt that I shouldn’t fall into the “a man is just a man” stereotype — a man can do whatever he wants, including play into a stereotype or stay clear of it. They can be good and decent and honest and loyal but if you make them feel like you are too forgiving they will rip you to shreds over and over and watch you put yourself together all while telling you how sorry they are. If they never get caught though, you best believe they will play you like a fiddle and not care.

Nicky 29, accountant

About myself: I learnt that I needed to heal, learn to love myself again, be reminded of who I am, find healthy ways to deal with emotional scars from the past, and foster greater care for self if I were to ever really rediscover myself and be truly capable of love and loving anyone.

About men: I learnt that sometimes we judge men too harshly (especially when we have been hurt) and when we make things impossible for them they will stray. They can be loyal, loving and nurturing, but not all men are like that and you have to learn to read into what their intentions are for you.

Geena, 26, mixologist

About myself: I have learnt that I was attracting the wrong men because I needed to heal from childhood trauma. Also, I have learned that I teach men how to treat me by what I tolerate.

About men: I have been single for just under three years and the longer I’m single is the less I want a man. I have so far learned that any man will cheat, because all these men in relationships keep pursuing me no matter how much they love their women. I’ve also learned that the less interested you are in a man, the more interested he becomes in you. I literally treat them like mongrels and they just keep panting with their thirsty selves. But the moment you give in to any of them is the moment you give your power away.