Hubby no longer interested in open marriage
Counsellor, I told my wife that we should try an open marriage, because I had a girlfriend at the time. My wife has always been very liberal, and so I wasn’t surprised when she said OK. In a way, asking was a way for me to appease my own conscience. However, what I realised is that my wife now seems happier, and even though I don’t think she has got intimately close to anyone yet, she is enjoying a lot of male attention, and seems to be lapping it up. She has put herself on a dating site, and appears younger, more attractive, and more in tuned with her sexuality. From what I observe, the attention she has been getting has unearthed a new woman. How can I reverse my decision and go back to being a one burner? I am no longer interested in any other woman.
You’d sought to appease your conscience and suggested a more liberal marriage to your wife, and now you’re regretting it because she’s running with the idea. Understood. Yes, you may have opened up Pandora’s Box. However, it seems you’re still in love with her, so that’s a plus. All may not be lost, once you’re willing to do the necessary work to “chase her” again.
It may be that she’s welcomed your suggestion as an opportunity to test her sex appeal. Hope that she hasn’t formed any deep emotional attachment to anyone else as yet. Chances are there’s some damage already done. But there are lessons to learn. As is said, “Let no experience be wasted.” So, learn from this.
Here are some lessons from this experience:
1)Don’t play with fire: There’s too much to lose by romping with “fire” (ie, the uncontrollable). Be creative and adventurous, yes. But moreso, be smart. There are too many variables that come with being “liberal”. There are things you may not be able to control or undo. Even suggestions, as you now know, can invite trouble. Toying with allowing others into your sex life and romantic space is imprudent. As I tell folks, you can’t un-experience what you’ve experienced; and some experiences can be devastating. Yeah, don’t go there: liberal marriages are at risk of sexually transmitted diseases, unplanned pregnancies, baby-mama drama, obsessive attractions, deceit, etc. #PlayItSafe
2) Cheer up your wife: It seems she needed an opportunity to doll-up and feel attractive, and that stands to reason. If you’re not busy about her, then she’d have been feeling neglected. She’d have a need to be complimented and appreciated. So be quick about damage control, and make the most of her now. Be fun, adventurous, creative. I pray that you’re skilled enough to put the genie back in the bottle. Maybe use role-playing in the bedroom, purposeful and meaningful trips, joint fun projects that can reconnect you, to woo her all over again. Maybe even hit her up on the dating app and ask her out (as yourself). You have a lot of work to do!
3) Enjoy the fruit of past labour: You had already hit the jackpot – you’re married. So build prudently on that blessed foundation. The
Bible says, “Whoso findeth a wife findeth a good thing, and obtaineth favour of the Lord” (Proverbs 18:22 KJV). I’m sure you have invested a lot into your relationship. So, seek to skilfully salvage your investment. Yes, cut off the other relationship. You can’t be serious about true intimacy with your wife if deception is present. Be a one-burner man through personal discipline and creativity. Cost it what it may.
I stand ready to assist you both as needed. Of course, you can reach me via counsellorscouch.com. We’ll work to make the rest of your lives the best of your lives.
Get on The Counsellor’s Couch with Rev Christopher Brodber, who is a counsellor and minister of religion. E-mail questions to allwoman@jamaicaobserver.com.
