Counsellor,

My wife and I have been married for two years, and lately, I have been feeling increasingly frustrated and overwhelmed by her behaviour, which I perceive as laziness. For some time now, she has been avoiding her responsibilities at home. Chores and tasks that we used to share equally have now largely fallen on me. This includes everything from cleaning and cooking to managing our household finances. When I try to discuss this with her, she often becomes defensive or dismissive, and the conversation leads to arguments rather than solutions. This situation is creating significant strain on our relationship. I find myself feeling resentful and exhausted, and I worry that this will have long-term effects on our marriage. I understand that there might be underlying reasons for her behaviour, such as stress, depression, or other personal issues, and I want to be supportive. I would greatly appreciate any advice you could offer to help us address this issue. We have no children yet.

Okay, so your wife has changed her routines and seems uninterested in things she used to do before. And that’s frustrating you. Understood. I commend you for getting in touch. Your maturity is evident with your seeking to find a solution to this challenge that’s making you feel overwhelmed. Furthermore, getting professional help is always prudent. So I commend you and anyone else bold enough to ask for help and advice. Your marriage is recent so it’s interesting that this challenge has arisen. However, her withdrawal from the agreed joint chores is a sign of her disinterest in the arrangement.

Did she not mention before that something was wrong, prior to her withdrawing from the arrangement? Did she indicate maybe frustration with not having a child? Did she complain about “monotony”? Is there any medical challenge or physical change she’s experiencing? I don’t think it is wise to quickly conclude “laziness”. As you’ve said, there may be some underlying reasons for her behaviour.

I remind couples that a warm, glowing fire in a fireplace requires fuel to remain burning. And so it is with marriage. Every relationship must be kept “hot” through regular application of fuel. Applying fuel to a fire requires some work and can require spending money. But the end result is the warmth you both will need. A spouse can often become uninterested and radically change their behaviour because the fire has gone low. Actively investing time, resources, and creative energy can mitigate against lots of relationship challenges.

My advice:

Don’t be disheartened: Your marriage can still be blissful. Yes, the situation puts pressure on you, but I’d like to think you’re up to the task. It may be that she’ll have to endure when you face a challenge. That’s how marriage works — when one is weak, the other digs deep. You can reap amazing rewards later on. This is why marriage vows are so important —“For better or worse…” #Endurance.

Demonstrate your love: Try to work through this compassionately. Don’t jump to conclusions nor criticise — cover her in this present situation with your strength and patience. Wonderful relationships can get difficult at times. The imperative is to be patient with each other. There’s a reason that God’s greatest commandment is about LOVE. It’s because where there is true love, pretty much all other things can be overcome. Squash your feelings of resentfulness and remind yourself that she’s YOUR wife.

Get further help: Finding synergy will be important. Creating a space for her to voice any challenges or concerns is critical. An objective for counselling would also be to ascertain what she’s feeling. Then, a strategic approach toward restoring synergy between you both would be the follow-up, after which, keeping you both on-track with your commitments would be next. I often stand as an accountability partner for couples and individuals.

I pray that mutual sacrificial service will be restored to your relationship.

Get on The Counsellor’s Couch with Rev Christopher Brodber, who is a counsellor and minister of religion. E-mail questions to allwoman@jamaicaobserver.com.