THE much-touted Settlement last Saturday turned out to be one tiresome night of hardcore gun talk, coupled with accusations and counter accusations of all things sexual — sexual deviance, sexual immorality and certainly not to be left out, sexual preference. At the end of the clashes, however, three persons were left claiming decisive victories, a little known female deejay going by the name Stylish, surprise act and newcomer Gabriel and Mr G, aka Goofy.

The early morning showers on Valentine’s Day quite likely affected the turnout at the open-air St Thomas venue, Links Cafe, but both the promoters and the duellists were adamant that the show would go on. In a pre-clash interview with the Observer, a confident Mr G was eager to bury LA Lewis in the coffin sitting ominously close to the stage. “This ting shoulda end from Sting and we not drawing it out any further,” was Goofy’s comment on the drama that led to a real deejay and a wannabe getting top billing on “the greatest one-night reggae/dancehall show on earth” last December.

And, while patrons were denied the ultimate drama of seeing Lewis climbing into the coffin he bought for Goofy, there was no question that LA was the sorry victim of the clash. The stage was professionally set with the pallbearers bringing on the empty coffin at 3:35 am to the playing of Taps, after which promoter Tommy ‘Bright Light’ Thompson gave his “sermon”. Emcee Nuffy then called on Goofy, who, instead of coming forth, told Nuffy from backstage, “Hey bwoy, call on you friend.”

Nuffy had no choice but to summon LA Lewis, who, dressed in the whitest white, came on stage deejaying and trying to be Bounty, Beenie, Buju and Mavado all in one. Unfortunately for the “sobolious” LA Lewis, he traded in his comic relief value for real deejay garments and attempted to take on Goofy on territory with which he is not familiar. He did get a few cheers, especially when he aimed his ridiculous contraption of gun/canon on Goofy to shoot him. But even that eventually backfired as Goofy dismissed this ploy and questioned the sense of “bringing toy gun to real war”. “Mi police bredren tell mi seh him see the Peter King tape and over Peter King bed head were the words ‘LA Lewis was here’,” Goofy said, driving one of the final nails in LA’s coffin.

In order for none of the contenders to cry foul, the patrons were asked to be the judges of the clash. “All who say that Goofy won the clash don’t say anything,” Brite Light said. The silence was such that one could almost hear a pin drop. Kudos to Mr G.

In the female match-up of the night, the lithe Lisa Hyper, valiantly fighting the tide of public opinion, was not the best match for the good ‘ole’ Paula, who at 48 made sure that the strength of her glue was well documented. Queen Paula, appearing as bleached out as Lisa, had been lured out of retirement take on the challenge and had declared that she was taking no prisoners.

Both females were well strapped with their gun mouths and traded shots fiercely, but it was on the turf of sexual exploits that this clash really played out. And, in a queer twist of events, it was Nuffy who was the real victim of this clash, as Queen Paula, as they would say “style him up real wicked”.

“This a woman war,” she said, drawing out every syllable. “So me woulda like know why Nuffy mix up inna it?” she quizzed and then pulled out the spicy dildo argument from her arsenal and “done” Nuffy.

This crowd, who had loyalty to no one, loved it and cheered Paula with gusto. But a few minutes later they had some serious boos for her when she went down the well trod sex path with the same Lisa Hyper who they had booed earlier. “A you friend them a boo me,” Paula declared haughtily as she turned her back on the audience.

However, no decisive winner declared, as Nuffy — who acknowledged that he was the only victim — said the females didn’t follow the rules that govern a clash and their stint would be declared null and void.

At the start of the event, two females, Sasha Lee and Stylish stirred things up with a face-off that set the tone for the evening. Swift on the draw and full of lyrics, Stylish easily got the better of Sasha Lee and delightfully claimed victory.

The surprise of the night, however, was young act Gabriel, who was brought into the play to clash the Warhead, Merciless, in the absence of clash veteran Kip Rich. Merciless, who clearly had no ratings for Gabriel, initially sent out a member of his camp, War Waiter, in his stead. But the crowd would have none of it and sent War Waiter packing as quickly as he came on.

Gabriel, who showed that he has some lyrics, did a counteraction of Leonard’s Letter To Mama, which eventually brought Merciless on stage, to cheers from the patrons. But Gabriel was not intimidated and in the lyrical exchange that followed got the better of Merciless and earned the support of the crowd.

A fuming Leonard started cursing and with that patrons streamed out of the venue at minutes to five on the acknowledged day of love, Valentine’s Day.