PARENTS need to understand the difference between discipline and punishment, if they are to effectively raise their children.

Discipline is a positive method of teaching a child self-control and confidence. Focus is on what children are expected/allowed to do even as it is concerned with how a child is behaving in the present and how a parent wants the child to behave in the future. It helps children learn self-control and take responsibility for their behaviour while helping them to understand their behaviour better, build independence, respect for self and others. Importantly, it is a process.

Punishment may be physical, including spanking. It may also be psychological, including disapproval, isolation, loss of privileges or shaming. It offers little or nothing to help a child behave better in the future. Frequently punished children learn that those they depend on for love and care can inflict physical and psychological pain on them. It is a single act.

Parenting styles and children’s behaviour

* Authoritarian parenting (high in control/low in acceptance) – generally leads to children who are obedient and proficient, but rank lower in happiness, social competence and self-esteem.

* Authoritative parenting (high in acceptance/high in control) – tends to result in children who are happy, capable and successful (high social competence).

* Permissive/indulgent parenting (high acceptance/low in control) – often results in children who rank low in happiness and self-regulation. These children are more likely to experience problems with authority and tend to perform poorly in school.

* Uninvolved/disengaged parenting (low in acceptance/low in control) – rank lowest across all life domains. These children tend to lack self-control, have low self-esteem and are less competent than their peers.

Effective use of punishment

* Immediate, not delayed, and consistently applied.

* Punishment fits the crime and is age-appropriate.

* Explanation is provided and is combined with positive reinforcement.

Self-esteem building and punishment

* Manage behaviour before, during and after punishment, and encourage bonding early.

* Facilitate new behaviour and accept your errors

* Praise your child and speak to the negatives with hope.

* Deal with unresolved issues and discipline more than you punish.

* Differentiate the love for the child from the dislike for the behaviour

Joan Pinkney is a counselling psychologist and presenter at the Churches Credit Union’s annual parenting seminar held recently at the Hilton Kingston Hotel. She may be contacted at jp.pinkney@gmail.com.