If thy offences were upon record,

Would it not shame thee

In so fair a troop,

To read a lecture of them?

— Shakespeare, Richard 11, IV,1

One day all our offences will be recorded and read out like a lecture for all to hear in eternity. Until then, it’s a good thing that our offences are not recorded, put on file, saved to a hard disc, jump drive or a CD, as plenty of us would be in big trouble.

Even so, memory does serve as a great recording device, and many computers cannot match the storage capacity that some people have in their heads. I think that women fall into this category, for they forget nothing that a man does, and will store it for future use when the next ‘discussion’ comes up.

Your offences will be read like a lecture to you. Men may tend to let things slide and are famous for saying, “Oh, don’t sweat the small stuff,” meaning, don’t worry about the little things.

But it’s the little things that really count, for they do say that the devil is in the details, read the fine print, conditions apply. People will tolerate great indiscretions, but the smallest infraction will send a body into a tizzy. “He’s a good man, but I couldn’t stand that he picked his nose….. that’s why I left him.”

It may sound trivial, but many couples have had discord all because of the small stuff. And don’t be fooled, for what was small stuff yesteryear is not small stuff today, and vice versa, as we are now so technologically advanced.

Sweat the small stuff… we’ll see why, right after these responses to ‘Happily ever after’ and ‘Deceived women’.

Hi Tony,

You are correct, communication is the key to marriage, any kind of relationship, and life in general. In my estimation, to live happily ever after, marry a woman with big boobs, sexy butt and lots of bending and flexing, then agree to everything that she says. That last part was Dr Huxtable’s philosophy in The Cosby Show, starring Bill Cosby. It may be a good philosophy if you have a good, sensible woman like Clair Huxtable, otherwise it may not work.

Fred

Tony,

He chose me; I on the other hand, stay because he is worldly wise in terms of generation gap. I read your article, and some things he is guilty of, such as believing that I am to provide him with unlimited sex. I refuse to be that tool, then he gets it elsewhere. I might be younger, but I am no fool. He is caring but can’t keep his jackhammer in check. Despite this, I remain loyal and supportive. Am I the deceived woman?

Trisha

The big things are important in any relationship; things like the house, rent or mortgage, grocery and utility bills. But if you ask most couples, and also the experts, they will tell you that it’s really the so-called small things that make or break a relationship.

Who would have thought that a small act of snoring could break up a marriage? Or the fact that a woman being always late for dates could lead to a break-up? “Don’t sweat the small stuff, don’t worry about it, don’t focus on the trivial, foggedaboutit, it’s no big thing, a nuh nutten,” is what people always say. But the experts tend to differ.

We live in an era of social media, with technological tools that are designed to link us better, gain more friends, interact with more people, become more sociable. And yet, this same social media has led to more antisocial behaviour and break-ups of couples than infidelity. We have Facebook, Instagram, Whatsap, BB Messenger, Twitter, e-mail, texting and others. Beware, for what doth bring some together, doth tear others apart.

Heaven help the couple that spends all of their time on social media, or if one spends all his or her time fiddling with these gadgets instead of fiddling with each other. Every waking moment his head is buried in the computer, or she’s on her smartphone, or caressing the iPad…. all the time. No big thing, you may say, don’t sweat it. But when it’s done at breakfast, in the bathroom, in the car, in the bedroom, at lunch, dinner and supper, then it’s time to sweat the small stuff. “Honey, don’t worry, I’ll soon get to you; let me just check my iPad first.”

Apart from all the high-tech stuff, there’s still the old-time talking on the phone that’s not seen as a big thing, but leads to many big problems with couples. I remember Erykah Badu singing about her man and his frequent chatting on the phone with Tyrone. ‘You’re always on the phone with Tyrone, well, leave, keep on talking to Tyrone….but don’t you use my phone.’

When one party lives on the phone and pays no attention to the other, it may not seem to be a big thing in the grand scheme of life. But it’s a small thing that has caused huge problems.

Have fun. Who remembers what fun used to be? Many people don’t, and see it as a small thing that isn’t even worth mentioning. It may seem trivial, but fun should be an integral part of any relationship.

Sometimes my wife and I romp so much like two pickney that I often wonder what our neighbours think, with all the laughing and screaming that comes from our house. I must confess that I’m a big kid at heart and never miss an opportunity to have fun. Take fun out of the equation and other elements will creep in. So when you hear people say, “Don’t sweat it if you don’t have fun anymore, you’re too old to have fun anyway.” Don’t believe them. Being sour and miserable is no way to live, and will always exist in the absence of fun.

This segues right into the small signs that herald the decline of romance. Remember when you first met and all the signs were there? Signs like phoning each other in the day just to say hi, or even dropping by the office for a surprise five-minute visit in the middle of the day? How about buying a single rose and taking it home, or a bag of peanuts?

Those are the small things that you used to do, but now it’s, “Cho, that is small stuff, man. I’m too busy hustling a living to do that now. I’m doing big things, can’t bother to sweat the small stuff.”

One small thing that the experts say is a small act that can have terrible results is waking up after a bad night’s sleep and picking an argument. The concept is alien to me, but the experts point out that couples often go to bed okay, then one may toss and turn all night, couldn’t sleep, then wake up next morning in a bad mood and take it out on their partner. Perhaps it’s no big thing, but I’m sure it must ruin one’s day to wake up to that.

The best thing that you can tell your lady is how nice she looks, even if you wake up cranky and miserable. It’s a small gesture, no big thing, you may say, but it’s the small stuff that should be sweated. I know couples who never compliment or complement each other and justify it by saying, “Oh don’t sweat it, man, she knows how I feel; I admire her, so it’s no big deal.”

Minor distractions may appear and shouldn’t be sweated, but perhaps they are merely symptoms of a bigger problem. When a woman buys a rat-dog and starts to pay more attention to the mutt than to her man, then it’s small stuff that should be sweated.

When a man takes up golf or racehorse gambling and spends his time at the course or at the track, then it’s cause for concern. Her friends may say, “Don’t sweat it, Barbara, at least he’s not with another woman.” Is it that he’s tired of his woman and needs a distraction?

Women do it too, as they bury themselves in the small stuff around the house, totally ignoring the man. “Can’t be with you now, Honey, I have to go rearrange the kitchen cupboard.”

“But it’s midnight.”

It’s the small stuff that makes the world go round; it’s the tiny atoms, molecules, cells, that make up our existence. So don’t sweat the small stuff at your peril.

More time.

seido1@hotmail.com

Footnote: What a tragedy the abduction of almost 300 schoolgirls in Nigeria is. And once again, mainstream media did not take it up until a lady in the USA went on social media and brought the story to the western world’s attention. Now it’s all over the news.

It’s hard to fathom, so many girls, just whisked away, never to be seen again. Just think of how we would feel if almost 300 of our schoolgirls simply vanished.

Closer home, my eyes welled up for Supt James Forbes. A better man is hard to come by, and I watched his career for decades as he rose through the ranks doing community police work. I cried for Mr Forbes, and thought immediately of the biblical verse about throwing the first stone. And yet, many guilty persons, murderers, rapists, embezzlers, walk scot-free from courthouse. At times we have to be careful how we try to help others, for no good deed goes unpunished.