Every time we have an argument, no matter how small, my husband and myself ‘get vex’ with each other like two primary schoolchildren. This can go on for weeks, then we slowly start talking again. I’m tired of this. What strategies or techniques can we use to improve communication and resolve conflicts more effectively in our relationship?

What is happening can be upsetting, and it certainly makes no sense sweeping things under the rug. It is commendable that you are interested in finding strategies to deal with this. Marriage isn’t supposed to make you feel miserable. It’s a blessing that should feel like a blessing.

Solving communication challenges often helps to solve conflicts effectively. However, cooperation from your husband will help to hasten the breakthrough. Let’s hope that as you put into practice what I’ll recommend, he’ll be enticed to join you in them. Because effective communication solves most problems.

It is commonly known that there are three main challenges couples face in marriage. They tend to be with regard to:

1. Money – Whether it’s enough, or who spends it when, how and where, etc.

2. Communication – Who says what and in what way and when, etc.

3. Sex – How frequent it is and how it’s done, and with whom, etc.

Don’t be alarmed that you have communication challenges to sort through, that’s standard in many relationships. Proper communication in marriage is learnt over time, once partners have the will and the patience to learn. The
Bible itself warns us of the challenges we can face with communication. It says of the tongue that it can be an “unruly evil, full of deadly poison.” (James 3:8b). It suggests to us that divine intervention is needed to get a handle on proper wholesome communication between partners.

My counsel – strategies for better communication:

Use the 50 First Dates mindset: This concept is based on a movie. In it a lady has a short-term memory challenge and the guy that loves her has to win her heart every morning, because she forgets that she knows him and loves him. Arm yourself like the guy: Ignore yesterday’s good and bad events. Let every day be a fresh start. Consider that you must win him every day, as if you were in love for the first time. This will encourage you to be very purposeful with your words. You’ll also tend to choose nicer words instead of the harsh ones.

Use “tender names”: You both should have loving pet names for each other. Try to only use those to refer to each other. This helps soften any difficult issue you have to discuss. It also allows you both to remember that you love each other and want the best for each other. So, no first names. Only “Sweetie”, “Snuggups”, “Babes”, “Sugar plum”, or whatever you both find endearing and beautiful.

Use the “scheduling” plan: This is about both of you agreeing to discuss difficult things only when you’re both ready. If there’s an issue, just give the signal “NOT READY”, if you’re not ready to deal with the matter. However, you must also both agree that no topic that’s up for discussion will be left beyond a week.

Remember “sowing and reaping”: Determine that you’ll show him respect as a matter of principle, because what you sow you should also reap. Good communication happens where there’s mutual respect. Do for him what you’d want to reap from him.

Try these simple techniques and see the outcome. I pray that jovial, joyful and loving discussions replaces your arguments, hostility and cold-shoulders. You can always reach out to counsellorscouch.com for further help.

Get on The Counsellor’s Couch with Rev Christopher Brodber, who is a counsellor and minister of religion. E-mail questions to allwoman@jamaicaobserver.com.