A mistress tore my family apart

WHILE Iva Louise, 73, makes no apologies for playing the role of mistress for 40 years, penning a how-to book on the issue, others have felt the damning effects of such actions.

Both men and women have attested to the devastation that comes with infidelity, an action that can destroy lives and families.

Fifty-two-year-old Leonard C said he had to give up his mistress after his wife found out about her and left the relationship.

It was something he couldn’t afford to have happen.

“She and I were involved for almost four years. It was going quite alright until my wife found out and confronted her,” Leonard said.

“I was doing a good job of keeping it on the down low. It was just one of those things that started without any plans and just ended up into a full -blown relationship,” he explained.

He said when they started out there were no plans to destroy his marriage, and the level of comfort he found when he was with her was enough to keep him involved with her for years. She had a young daughter and he ensured she was in need of nothing.

“They were like my second family. And she (mistress) didn’t make any demands. She knew my position and she accepted it,” Leonard said. “But I was married for 11 years and I didn’t want to lose my family. My wife found out by accident and threatened to leave if I didn’t give up the outside relationship. For almost a year I couldn’t. I was in love with the other woman and she and I didn’t have any issues, so it was hard to just walk away. But my wife moved out when she found out I was still involved and that was when I decided I had to do something. So I gave her up.”

Forty-three-year-old Pearl A said her father’s mistress destroyed his marriage and ripped apart their lives.

“No good can come of a relationship once another person is involved in it,” a still bitter Pearl said. “I was very young when it started. I was still in all-age school. I remember hearing my parents arguing night after night and then in the days they would not talk to each other. I didn’t understand what the problem was. I guess I was too young. It wasn’t until I was in high school that I understood because people were saying that my father was involved with my neighbour. It lasted for years. People used to think that she was the one he was married to. Her two children and us went to the same school. We were all good friends, but I thought it was because everybody lived so close by.”

Pearl said her father used to be at his mistress’ house more than he was at theirs. He would only come home late at nights or in the wee hours of the morning.

“When it just started I was so young and naïve that I used to just call her my second mother. It was a small district so everybody knew everybody. And of course everybody knew everybody else’s business,” she explained. “It was obvious my mother knew, she was never happy after the arguments started. We never went out as a family, my father never took her anywhere, and he was never home. My mother never left him though. I don’t know why. But neither did he walk away for good. He was a school teacher and a deacon in the community church. He had four of us, all with my mother so I don’t know if those were the reasons why he stayed. But that relationship tore our family apart. But it was obvious neither of them decided to leave each other.”

Pearl said she and her siblings encouraged their mother to leave, but she kept saying she was not going anywhere leaving her family.

Pearl said the couple’s two eldest sons became rebellious and one moved out and never looked back home because of the embarrassment that came with persons asking him time and again if the mistress was his mother and if his father didn’t realise that it looked bad on him.

“Anywhere you see my father you would see his mistress and anywhere you see his mistress you would see him. They practically became inseparable while my mother would sit at home washing, cooking and taking care of the family. After a while my mother basically gave up on the marriage and just accepted things. If people came to my father she would just tell them to see if he was at the neighbours’ house. Most times he was. But she stopped letting it bother her. She was very sad. But she tried not to let it affect us. But it did. Because not seeing your parents happy takes a toll on you. But not even that made him leave her, nor she leave him. I hated her for it.”

Though she no longer lives in the community, Pearl said while her parents are still living together, the other woman is also still in the picture, though not as much as in previous years since her father is not able to go out as much as he once did due to age and illness.

“One woman may not be able to fill all the needs of a man,” Louise, author of Mistress Secrets: A Memoir, told All Woman last week.

“I see the role of the mistress as an extended hand in the good relationship of a married couple. A mistress has the possibility to extend herself, to grow, to develop, to become the individual that she was born to be, to develop her inner self and feed her soul. This no man can take from her.”

Louise said acceptance is the best solution in maintaining a good, happy extramarital affair.

“Do not barter your man over his wife, do not try to claim or own your lover, do not let his wife know of your existence,” the author told mistresses. “Keeping the relationship secret is useful to the mistress. Constantly monitor your thoughts, feelings and emotions, embrace yourself and him fully as if it’s the last time. Accept the part of you that lives on borrowed time; acceptance is the best solution for a joyous and happier life.”