Don’t hold out on hubby
MANY marriages suffer because of sexual conflicts. This occurs when one partner refuses, or is unable to honour the requirement to please the other partner, a situation that can lead to separation or even divorce.
For Delroy J, his unfulfilled sex life is what he says drove him outside the marriage and into the arms of a number of women over the 14 years he has been married.
“It’s not a matter of right or wrong,” he explained to All Woman. “But she has three children for me and I can’t just get up and leave my family like that. But on the other hand, I have certain needs too and she not able to take care of that.”
He says his wife tries, but with her work schedule and the children, it’s impossible for her to manage.
“I know that she does a lot taking care of the children, the house and she works – she is a nurse. So more time at nights she has to work and when she comes home she is tired. So it’s not that I am blaming her or anything, but I want sex.”
In fact, he says he now has no sexual expectations where his wife is concerned, and he doesn’t even look forward to the few times they do spend together alone.
For Delroy, his wife has become no more than the mother of his children and the manager of the home.
“We don’t even talk about sex anymore,” he says.
“Once upon a time the sex was hot; every other day or so, but now?”
Clinical psychologist Ashlei McFarlane says people like Delroy may not normally have the tendency to seek sex outside their marriages, but because of their sexual needs, they will do so.
“He may cheat because he feels dissatisfied with the relationship,” McFarlane said.
“This can be because of lack of sexual desires being fulfilled, or spouse unavailability due to work, school or family commitments.”
Dr Alverston Bailey, family and occupational practitioner and author of the book Sexplanations: a guide to discussing sex and sexually in the Caribbean says sex is a major cause of marital conflict.
“… [This is} primarily due to lack of confidence, communication difficulties, inexperience, lack of skill, unrealistic expectations, and refusal to take responsibility for our own sexual pleasure,” Dr Bailey explains.
He says there are a number of emotional barriers that prevent sex from happening between couples.
These include a person’s belief system, their sexual conditions, the mood they are in, their inability to empathise with their partner and lack of communication.
“Our belief systems are taboos and phobias about sex that we all have and take with us into each sexual encounter,” Dr Bailey explains. “Most of us are not aware of these biases and expectations, but these un-examined, yet rigid convictions have the potential to impact negatively on our sexual experiences.”
He says in many sexual encounters, each partner is primarily concerned with the other’s satisfaction at the expense of theirs.
“The woman is trying to figure out what the man wants and expects, while he is trying to determine how to satisfy her. Each is looking out for each other and neither is looking out for his/her own needs.”
But, he adds, in order to truly enjoy good sex, one must determine the ideal conditions which would facilitate maximum gratification for one’s self.
This includes determining what would make him/her become aroused, what would cause him/her to achieve an erection or vaginal lubrication, and what would result in an orgasm, if desired.
Dr Bailey encourages couples to share their mood with their partner and explore fears, taboos, and sexual preferences together.
He also encourages both partners to improve on their communication skills.
