Taking technology to the bedroom

WHETHER Einstein really said it or not, the quote predicting a generation of idiots, where technology would surpass human interaction has become an apt representation of some people’s lives.

We’re now living in an era of smartphones and dumb people; it has got so bad that people have forgotten how to exist in social spaces without feeling awkward; instead they sit beside each other and talk by texting instead of having normal conversations. They are so intertwined and addicted to technology and all its features that without it, it’s almost as if they have no lives.

And if that wasn’t bad enough, technology is being used more and more in the commission of infidelity.

One 29-year-old woman says it helped her take revenge on her unfaithful husband.

A 45-year-old married man says it has helped prevent the break-up of his family.

For millions, adultery via the Internet has become the new normal.

Since the launch of the Canada-based Ashley Madison website in 2002, which created a sensation with its seductive slogan, ‘life is short, have an affair’, the numbers turning to online infidelity have soared.

There are now dozens of similar websites offering the promise of extramarital relationships with domain names that are unabashedly direct, from www.datingforcheaters.com to www.heatedaffairs.com.

For Noel Biderman, the founder of Ashley Madison, his site and others like it are merely facilitating a human desire that is as old as time.

“No one can show me a culture on the planet where infidelity doesn’t happen,” Biderman said. “Infidelity was always there,” he added, noting that conventional dating websites are often “overrun by would-be affair seekers”.

By offering a site catering specifically for married individuals, Ashley Madison had “filled a void in many married men’s and women’s hearts,” Biderman said, noting that the site now has some 25 million members in 35 countries, earning around $100 million in revenue last year.

According to figures in the Journal of Marital and Family Therapy, some 22 per cent of men and 14 per cent of women will cheat on their spouses at least once during their marriage.

Has the existence of sites like Ashley Madison encouraged and increased infidelity?

“It’s hard to know if the new technologies increased infidelity because we have no bottom-line data,” said Pepper Schwartz, a professor of sociology at the University of Washington in Seattle.

“My guess, however, is that it has because there are many people who have a yen for sex outside their relationship but wouldn’t have the slightest idea about how to do it or do it safely,” Schwartz added.

Young and old, men and women, rich or poor, frequenters of adultery sites come from all backgrounds, with a clear majority of users being men in their 40s, according to Ashley Madison. The reasons individuals are drawn to such sites are equally diverse.

“Some are looking for sex because they are in sexless marriages with people they love or don’t want to leave for other reasons but cannot have sex with,” said Schwartz.

“Others are stimulation junkies — they just can’t be satisfied with sex with only one person, even if they love that person.

“Some people want to ‘shake up’ their lives, there are people with a ‘kink’, something they enjoy about sex that their partner wouldn’t do.”

Nicole, a 25-year-old Jamaican married two years, found out about her husband’s addiction when she got her credit card bill.

He had spent thousands of dollars on a popular matchmaking site and had used their dual credit card to pay.

“I didn’t even know anything was wrong, much less that instead of cheating with another woman here, he was cheating over the Internet with a foreigner,” she said.

Psychiatrist Geoffery Walcott told All Woman that an addiction is a mental disorder that is closely related to the impulse control disorders and addiction in general is characterised by a compulsion to engage in an activity or use of substance in a greater amount than was intended.

“This compulsion interferes with the person’s ability to fulfil roles and responsibilities. The individual’s pattern of engagement with the activity is usually at an increasing rate with loss of normal self-limiting boundaries. In the most severe cases the person’s daily activities are completely taken over by seeking out and participating in the addictive entity,” Dr Walcott said.

He, however, explained that the addiction is not a reflection of intelligence, rather, it is a disease and issues with technology are dependent on our use of gadgets and various software.

“Social media and technology are tools that have been developed to aid in the advancement of the species similar to atomic energy. The important issue is what we choose to do with it. Addictive disorders interfere with a person’s ability to fulfil their responsibilities, making them unreliable and self-absorbed, which alienates their social network,” Dr Walcott said.

With regards to the cyber addiction interfering with relationships, marriage, sex and family therapist Reverend Dr Carla Dunbar said the reason people get into relationships is to meet each other’s needs for companionship, and anything that detracts from that time is devastating for the relationship.

“It’s not just pornography. Persons get caught up in technology and social media and it detracts from them spending time with their partner and being aroused by their partner. Unfaithfulness is not just when you go out and have sex, but it is anything that robs your partner of the pleasure of being with you or being able to give you that ultimate pleasure that you desire,” Dr Dunbar said.

Dr Dunbar added that while technology is a good thing, when used out of its proper context the problems arise.

“Sometimes it’s not even addiction, but people become preoccupied with it [technology], so they’re always looking for their phone to ping and they become very distracted, especially women. A woman can stop in the middle of an orgasm, so anything that detracts is an issue,” she said.

For starters, Dr Dunbar recommended that technology be omitted from the bedroom unless it will be used to enhance the relationship.

“All gadgets can be used to enhance a relationship, but if used wrongly it can affect the relationship. If you’re consumed with answering your WhatsApp message and checking your FaceTime it is going to destroy the fabric of the relationship. Relationships need time to gel and bond, plus people get together to be together and everybody gets into a relationship to be first in their partner’s life. If they are going to be playing second fiddle to electronics then they are not going to feel good about that at all,” she said.

Relationship counsellor Wayne Powell, however, explained that getting to the addictive stages with the Internet and technology is as a result of curiosity and the need to find temporary relief in practices which are legal. Moreover, Powell said these practices might be detrimental to you and offensive to others.

“When you lose control of your ability to manage what it is you are overly preoccupied with and it is as if you are controlled by the act itself, then you know that you are in the danger zone,” he said.

Powell pointed out that the signs, symptoms and risk factors of cyber addiction often include absenteeism in your relationships, be it intimate or social, which have implications for a sad ending.

“When you spend excessive hours on the Internet at home or at work you will be neglecting your family and work responsibilities. When you feel a strong desire to be checking your smartphone every minute for e-mails or text messages, it could suggest some anxiety issues. The risk is great when your offline relationships at all levels are negatively impacted to the extent where there is threat of termination,” he said.

“We do observe couples on dates at the restaurant texting to others rather than talking with each other. So, yes, we have become less offline-connected and more online-connected which is unfortunate as face-to-face conversations are necessary for good interpersonal relationships,” Powell said.

To alleviate the problem, he suggests making a conscious effort to minimise the time spent online.

“Work with a specific time limit and stop when that time is expired. Have someone be your accountability partner who will check in on you to ensure you comply with the self-imposed rules. Delete some of the social network apps from your phone and only access them on your desktop. Also, leave the smartphone in the car (glove compartment) when you are on a date,” Powell said.

If all these fail, Powell said, it is best to seek addiction counselling.

—Additional reporting from AFP.