When you outgrow each other
EVERYONE hopes that their ideal union will last forever, and this was no different for Buckley and Jahmelia. They had come a far way — from high school sweethearts to building a family and life together. Like two peas in a pod, they enjoyed doing the same things during high school and this followed through into their late 20s.
By their mid-30s, however, they were struggling to keep their home happy. They were no longer physically or sexually attracted to each other. They tried therapy because of their history as well as for their children, but none of this changed the reality that stood before them — they no longer wanted each other; they had grown apart.
Relationship counsellor Wayne Powell said that growing apart comes about when both partners fail to do the maintenance work necessary to keep the relationship alive.
He said that maintaining the relationship is something that both people have to work on, or it will not be as effective.
Powell said that couples, in an attempt to care for their families and stabilise their finances among a host of other career and personal commitments, often neglect their relationships.
“They get so caught up with making ends meet, raising children and accomplishing personal and career pursuits that they find very little time for each other. Sometimes one partner may be progressive and is a go-getter and forges ahead, leaving the other behind,” Powell said.
He said a consequence of this is that couples no longer share the same interests and core values on which their relationships were built.
He attributed other reasons for couples growing apart to partners becoming less appreciative of each other, resulting in the relationships being reduced to brother-sister types.
But there is hope.
To achieve this, each partner must first acknowledge the deficit and make an effort to rekindle the flames by including their partner in their schedules each day — regardless of how busy they may be.
“Go back to basics and do some of the things you did in the courtship period that were fun, and restore the pleasure,” Powell said.
He said in cases where one partner is advancing in their career and personal development they should reach out to their partner and include them in the process. He said the other partner is usually willing to encourage and celebrate the successes.
— PH
