Old fire stick…

Dear

Counsellor,

I’ve been married for three years with a son, but I am still in love with my ex-boyfriend. My husband is a great man and a good father to our son but we argue a lot. I don’t want to hurt him because he is a nice man – in fact he saw me through school. I owe him a lot but I am dying in silence. I want to get back with my ex because when I am with him I am a lot happier and more relaxed.

In recent times there has been a prevalence of letters from women who are “torn between two lovers”. These women, though being in committed relationships, are pining over their ex-partners. What is most evident is that they may have started new relationships without putting a lid on the previous ones. When there is no closure on an earlier relationship, the probability of the old fire stick reigniting is quite high. After all, this person would know much more about you than your present partner and so there would be that comfort level that was established over the time you were both together. But the fact that he is your ex simply means he or she was in the past and maybe should remain there.

Notwithstanding, there have been positive stories of exes reuniting and living happily ever after, but there is no guarantee. In many instances like yours, both or one partner is romantically involved with someone else, which really complicates matters.

You declare that your husband is great man and a good father. These are admirable qualities which must be appreciated. The arguing is a feature of some relationships that indicates a communication problem that can be addressed via counselling.

One hopes you have not married your husband as a payback for paying for your tuition fees, etc. Whereas this was a good gesture on his part, it should not be your main motivation for remaining in the marriage. Surely, it must be a combination of all those positive attributes.

As the song goes, it may be a better idea to hold on to what you got and make efforts to strengthen the marital bond by coming up with fun ways to put some spice in the relationship

Your ‘dying in silence’ as you put it is a result of the open door that still exists between you and the ex; the door was probably shut but not locked.

Here are some tips to consider when making a clean break from a relationship:

1. Weigh the pros and cons of the relationship and if the negatives far outweigh the positives then it’s time to do what you have to do. Make sure you have the reasons for your decision firmly placed in your head so that in those moments of weakness you can remind yourself why you made the decision.

2. Make sure the head is aligned with the heart so that you won’t send mixed messages to your ex. If you indicate to him that the relationship is over, then you can’t be engaging in sexual intimacy when he comes around.

3. If you know that you have a “weakness” for your ex, then stay clear of him. Don’t visit him, especially if you both will be alone. If he has to visit you, make sure you have company so that it will be inconvenient for any kind of close contact to take place.

4. Remove any item that might remind you of the ex. This might mean removing the friendship ring you got at the beginning of the relationship. If there are items of clothing at your place, neatly put them aside and return them to him as soon as possible.

5. Pictures are permanent reminders that can bring back memories. It may mean you have to remove those romantic pictures from your

Facebook page as well as his portrait that is sitting on your dresser. Don’t forget to update yourFacebook status.

6. Be careful when he pulls on your heartstrings begging for favours. Certainly if the request is genuine you may want to consider it, but if the request is as frequent as rain in the hurricane season, then you know that he is just “messing with your heart”.

7. Don’t sit down and mope. Go out with your girlfriends and have some fun. If not, go out alone and enjoy your own company.

8. Don’t be in a hurry to start another relationship. Rebound relationships can be dangerous as in your vulnerable state a “predator” will take advantage of your weak emotional state.

9. Have an accountable partner who will monitor your movements and ensure you remain focused when those moments of weakness come along. Let the person know of the calls you may have received from the ex inviting you to a late-night snack at his house or the weekend get-away.

10. Establish the tenets of the revamped relationship. It is quite OK to remain friends, but do ensure that you set the boundaries and abide by them and insist that they are respected.

Wayne Powell is a relationship counsellor. Write to crisscounselloronline@gmail. com; check out his work overseas on www.seekingshalom.org, e-mail powellw@ seekingshalom.org.