Am I selfish to think that a baby could come between me and my man?
Being in a union has its perks and if all is well with both parties, there is likely to be an exchange of love where the woman is showered with attention and care.
But when it comes to expanding that union to include children, many women feel that the attention and care will divert from them to the child and end up worrying whether their spouses will have time for them.
Is it selfish of a woman to think a baby could come between her and her man? Associate counselling psychologist at Family Life Ministries, Angela Daniels, tells All Woman that depending on the rationale, a woman thinking this way isn’t necessarily selfish.
“If, for example, her thought is driven by wanting to control, or there’s a fear of losing same; or there’s insecurity, then that could be deemed being selfish,” she explains.
“On the other hand, the woman could have legitimate reasons such as her observation of the man’s behaviour within the relationship. The reality is that if the couple does not plan adequately for the entry of a child, then this can create problems for the relationship.”
However, she says there is always the possibility of having substantive reason to believe a child could come between you and your partner, but she noted that where there is a healthy relationship inclusive of effective communication, effective conflict resolution and mutual respect, such an environment provides for open discussions and dialogue on matters that impact the couple’s relationship negatively.
“Capitalising on dialogue affords the couple the opportunity to address the issues that the woman has pertaining to her reservations about having a child,” she says.
She says a couple should not have a child because, for example, they are getting old, or to inflate their egos.
“The couple should have discussions on their readiness for having and maintaining a child which involves psychological, emotional, physical and financial preparation, as well as adequate parent training. Having a child not only involves the pregnancy but also parenting the child effectively, which is best done through collaborative parenting.”
Dr Pearnel Bell, regional clinical psychologist based in Montego Bay, says relationships first start between two parties and if couples allow themselves to be engrossed in the care of a baby this could result in a divide as each couple needs time together.
She adds that if the baby is the centre of the parents’ lives, it could well result in one mate or both mates feeling the baby has become the focus of attention and no regard is given to the other mate.
Dr Bell says rather than harbouring the thought that the baby may be coming between a couple, they need to identify that there is a problem and deal with it.
“Dealing with it could be that the couple identifies that caring for a child is challenging and can result in the child consuming a lot of time,” she says.
“The couple should set aside time for each other — a date night, and downtime for both parties. Enlist the help of a helper or family member who can help in the care for a few hours while the couple bonds. They should also spend time together with the baby as a family playing, reading to and doing other family activities that involve everyone.”
She says it is very important that the matter is addressed or else the child could become the scapegoat when what is needed is adjustments in helping to care for the child while maintaining a healthy relationship.
Daniels says the thought of a child coming between you and your spouse could be symptomatic of some deeper issues which need to be explored and resolved, likely through counselling.
“The belief suggests that there are underlying issues that that woman is experiencing. As mentioned earlier, the belief is driven — there is a stimulus or stimuli that need to be identified and addressed. The resolution can be obtained through professional counselling.”
