Torn between two women

Dear Counsellor,

I am a 45-year-old man who has been with my girlfriend for over 12 years. She migrated almost five years ago and we have been having a long-distance relationship. My relationship with her had turned me into a total hermit. I became accustomed to the routine of getting up, calling her first thing in the morning, getting dressed for work, checking up on her at some point in the afternoon, buying my dinner on the road and rushing home to call her. We see each other at maximum four times for the year – my birthday, her birthday, Christmas, and sometimes a random visit. She has no interest in coming back to Jamaica and I do not want to live in the United States. I have a job here that I love and she is committed to her job over there. She has invested in a home there so I can conclude that Jamaica isn’t an option anymore. In all our years apart I had never cheated on her.

Recently I met a young lady and we became friends and started having frequent telephone conversations. We go out for drinks sometimes and other times just talk and enjoy each other’s company. I found myself breaking my routine because I fell in love with this woman’s spirit. I visited her at home almost every evening and we would just sit and talk and laugh for hours. I started to feel less lonely just being in her company and seeing her smile. She and I got closer over time and we are now intimate. What’s killing me is that I have become a deceptive person. She knows about my girlfriend. I do not know how I feel about my girlfriend any more. Yes, we have years together, but this other woman has shown me that I wasn’t living all these years. Now I question myself as to why I’ve had a woman for so many years and never once thought of proposing to her.

People are going to think I am cruel if I leave my girlfriend for this woman. But what I know is that I was a lonely man until I met her.

Someone told my girlfriend about my infidelity and now she is hurting and I don’t know what to do. I am not upset that she found out, I just wanted to be the one to control my situation. I knew I had to choose, but I must have taken too long. The other woman is withdrawn because she has been asking for months where she stands. But I kept asking for more time. However, she still comes by to make sure that I am alright but I can see in her eyes that she’s hurting. I do not want her to leave. I do not know what to do.

Maintaining a long-distance relationship requires personal discipline that can be very difficult, especially if there is no indication that both people will be together in the near future. There is so much and no more that technology can do to bridge the distance, and so one or both will yearn for the physical presence of the other.

It does appear that you and your girlfriend are on opposite ends of the pole regarding living arrangements: therein lies the source of the problem. There is obviously no compromise, and so unless one of you is prepared to join the other, then it would only be a matter of time before one or both partners would get distracted.

Your routine changed soon after meeting and relating with the other lady as she not only provided a physical presence but she was able to fulfil the need for female companionship that became available to you.

The matter of being with your girlfriend for over 10 years and not proposing to her is a good question, but could well be a blessing in disguise as being married and living apart would indeed be quite a challenge.

So now you feel guilty after being unfaithful to your girlfriend. This is not surprising as she was under the impression that the relationship was exclusive. To make matters worse, she did not get the news from you but from someone else, which no doubt upset her more.

Now the other lady who has entered your life and brought a sense of stability is asking what her status is, although she knew that you were already in a relationship.

You now have to assess the pros and cons and decide what will make you happy. It is true that onlookers will pass their comments, but at the end of the day you are the one who has to live your life. If you decide to continue with your girlfriend, discussions must be held to determine which one of you will go and be with the other as soon as possible.

Whatever decision you make, try and remain committed to that person. The other person will be hurt, but with time they will move on, and you should ensure that there is closure on that relationship.

Wayne Powell is a relationship counsellor. Write to crisscounselloronline@gmail. com; check out his work overseas on www.seekingshalom.org, e-mail powellw@ seekingshalom.org.