My wife loves her ex
DEAR COUNSELLOR,
I am 30 years old and I’ve been married for six months. My wife loves her ex badly and wants to marry him after divorcing me. I do love her very much. She left me a few weeks after our marriage. Now I am living single and don’t know what to do. Please give me your advice.
What is the lesson to be learned from your experience, particularly for those contemplating marriage? Make sure you are not forced into a marital situation because your friends or family pressure you to do so! There are many married couples who are most unhappy because one or both was never in love with the person they married.
I am not sure how long you and your wife were involved in a period of courtship, or whether you circumvented that stage. Even though some couples had the opportunity of spending time together and are aware of the shortcomings of the other person, they still proceed to get married, cognisant of the fact that there were deal-breakers.
The belief is that marriage will magically change the person and like the romantic storybook ending, “they live happily ever after”. Unfortunately, the outcome is two people living together who bring out the worst in each other.
For a relationship to work both partners must be on the same page, singing from the same love song sheet. As the saying goes, “One hand can’t clap”, and so if your wife feels she can make better music with her ex then you may have to let her go. She is obviously not into you as much as you are crazy about her. For her to take such a drastic action to walk away after a few weeks would suggest that she went into the marriage with doubts and decided that instead of suffering the emotional pain of merely existing in the marriage, she wanted out.
As painful as it might be for you to let go, loving someone and not having the love and affection reciprocated is self-inflicted torture and it is to your benefit not to put undue stress on yourself to pursue what appears to be a done deal.
If, however, you believe that you should not give up and wish to fight to get your wife back, then you both should seek couples’ counselling to try and salvage the marriage. If, however, she is determined to walk, you will have to man up and take your loss. You must learn from this experience and make sure that your next partner is just as keen about you and the relationship before you propose.
Take care of yourself.
Wayne Powell is a relationship counsellor. Write to agapemft@gmail.com. Check his Facebook page at www.facebook.com/MFTCounselor/.
