Married boyfriend can’t commit to me

Dear Counsellor,

I’ve been dating this guy for the past year, only to find out that he’s married. A friend had set us up but in the beginning I wasn’t interested at all. I was just getting out of an unstable relationship and just needed someone I could talk to and hang out with. Things weren’t going well for me and because of a situation I had to move in part-time with him. We started hanging out often since his wife isn’t a Jamaican citizen and she only visits once a year. We got very close, to the point where he started telling me that he loved me. ‘Til this day I’m still afraid of the word.

I trusted him up until I found out that his wife and I weren’t the only two women he was texting talking to. I confronted him and for a while it stopped. Then he started again, until it stopped altogether. I was and still am his big secret. He told me his wife had a bad childhood and it plagues her to the point where she’s afraid of having sex with any man, even him. He said she wants a divorce. Again, I was quite sceptical. But when I went through the text messages on his phone between him and his wife, I saw that he was telling the truth.

I was there trying to cheer him up and make him happy and help him to forget for the moment. But recently he’s been kissing up to her, calling her babes, sexy, beautiful, etc. I know she came before me but it still hurts to know that I gave my all to this guy and all he’s doing is walking all over me. His wife can’t have kids, so he’s been trying with me. But I don’t want that.

His filing came through and he’ll be migrating soon. I just really want to be happy. I don’t want to dwell on something that we could’ve had when he already has his life planned out. He told me to wait for him after he leaves but I can’t. I have to move on. Who knows how things will turn out when he’s close to her, both of them living in the same house?

And then there’s my sister’s best friend. I’ve had a crush on him for as long as I can remember. He moved to another town to start a new job and asked me to move in with him. I’ve been contemplating it. What should I do? I’m not financially stable and I’m basically rooming with the married guy now. I’m so stressed and confused.

So you are torn between two lovers, as the song says, one who is a married and the other who I assume is single and available. Did your friend not know that the gentleman was already spoken for before she introduced you to him? Now you seem to be deep in a relationship and find it difficult to back out.

Let’s rewind the video and replay it to just before you met the gentleman. You indicated that you had just exited a failed relationship and was obviously grieving the “death” of that relationship. You would have been in an emotionally fragile state and so you gravitated to the married man to receive emotional support. Again this is a reminder to people to take some time to process their feelings coming out of a terminated relationship. Failure to do so will result in making impulsive decisions that you may later regret.

So how do you feel to be Mr Gentleman’s “secret”? For the past year you have been playing this secret lover role and you’re not sure if and when you will come out of the shadows. You have heard a lot about the man’s wife’s personal challenges which is not unusual for some men to elaborate on in an effort to get sympathy from the “other woman”.

For your information, the sexual problem you alluded to that the gentleman’s wife suffers from is not one that can’t be addressed through sex therapy. In other words, if the couple wishes to address the matter they could do so and resume sexual relations in a timely manner.

The use of endearments are not to be taken lightly and the fact that he uses them to his wife suggests that they still have an emotional connection. And you are perceptive when you said that when he is in her presence any number can play.

It appears that you are making yourself vulnerable and available to have his child. Bear in mind though that he is legally married and when his filing is completed he will be leaving you to be with his wife. Are you prepared to be a mother, moreso a single mother?

Sit down and consider your options carefully and ensure that your “secret” status will be elevated at the end of the day if you decide to continue the relationship with this gentleman.

In regards to gentleman number two, the same advice remains. Do a pros and cons analysis and decide if the happiness you desire will be accomplished with him.

Be careful of the part-time living arrangements. It can have some devastating effects if and when it backfires. If there is a disagreement you could find you and your belongings on the outside.

You do have some thinking to do. Let your actions be informed by wise and sensible thinking.

Wayne Powell is a relationship counsellor. Write to agapemft@gmail.com. Check his Facebook page at www.facebook.com/MFTCounselor/.