Woman leaves fiancé after he lied about US visa
Dear Counsellor,
I need counselling, not for marriage, but for a relationship break-up.
I was about to get married to a guy and we broke up, as he had lied to me about a visa issue. Just before marriage, I discovered that there was no way in which he could take me to the United States. He tried to convince me that he could make it happen, but I realised that it was virtually impossible.
I don’t want to be in a long-distance marital relationship, and I told him I would rather stay single than be married and live a lonely life. I am upset that he lied to me and gave me false hope. If he does this now, later he would probably be dishonest with other things. What do you think? Was I premature in my decision?
There have been numerous stories of couples “tying the knot” on the strength of one partner making promises he/she knows he/she can’t fulfil. So as to persuade you to marry him, Mr Mention will promise you the whole world, including things he has no control over like the issuance of a visa.
But seriously though, weren’t you being a little naïve by thinking that the gentleman had the wherewithal to provide a legitimate visa to the United States? It is bad enough that he was being disingenuous, but it would have been worse if he was involved in shady dealings.
Honesty is a key ingredient in a healthy relationship, and so I understand your concerns when the gentleman was not upfront with you. Surely this could well be a bad habit he has, that could be difficult to shake. However, given the circumstances, it appears that the gentleman did not want to lose you and so he told you what you wanted to hear. Certainly, if he had said otherwise, you probably would not have considered his proposal for marriage.
In any event he has lost out on an opportunity of a lifetime due to his dishonesty. It only goes to show that honesty is still the best policy.
Regarding long-distance relationships, you are indeed correct that some couples may not be alone by virtue of their status as married, but one or both partners may well be lonely as they are separated by distance. In a long-distance relationship, couples have to work much harder to create and maintain an emotional bond in the absence of physical proximity.
It is even more disconcerting if one partner has truth-deficiency challenge. In other words, if that partner is comfortable lying, chances are being unfaithful would also be within his/her comfort zone.
Were you being too quick on the draw? Maybe you both could have had discussions about the expectations before a wedding date was set. In those discussions, all the uncertainties would have been ironed out and you would have got the details on the who, what, where, why, and how of the visa proposal.
Let this be a teaching moment for you though, that you don’t believe everything you are told. Next time, get the information you will need to make an informed life-changing decision. It is recommended that you do premarital counselling should you consider walking the aisle the next time around.
All the best to you.
Wayne Powell is a relationship counsellor. Write to agapemft@gmail.com. Check his Facebook page at www.facebook.com/MFTCounselor/ .
