Still in love with your ex? You may be trauma bonded

TRAUMA bonding in psychology defines a situation where a person feels attached to their abuser. The abuser might be a romantic partner, parent, or close friend, and the abuse can range from physical and mental abuse, to rejection. It happens when a person in your life alternates between treating you abusively then showering you with attention, leading to a powerful bond.

“I was married, happy, being treated well, yet I found that during the days, when I had time to daydream, I would long for a life with my ex who had gotten another woman pregnant and then left me to marry her,” Rose F shared. “You would think that after that I would hate him, but it was the opposite — I imagined that if he came back and apologised I would say yes, and we would be together and I’d finally be happy.”

Counsellor David Anderson says what happens with trauma bonding is that when the brain does not get closure, the mind has a desperate need for attachment.

“In Rose’s case, for example, there is a desperate need for the relationship to continue — an addiction of sorts, where the focus on the other person can be so intense that the traumatised person cannot recognise that the relationship was toxic and that they were betrayed,” he said.

4 signs of trauma bonding

Anderson said you can look for these signs in your relationship:

1) You’re stuck on the butterflies stage — You forget everything they did wrong, every betrayal, and you’re fixated on only the good times.

2) You ignore red flags and defend the person — Nothing they do, or did, was wrong, and you will defend them to the fullest, because in your mind, they are perfect.

3) You’re forever loyal — You will risk problems in actual healthy relationships, for the one that was toxic. You’re forever loyal to the person who traumatised you.

4) Can’t end it — If you’re still in a relationship with the toxic person, you may be unhappy, but you feel unable to end things.

What you can do

“First you need to understand that it’s not as easily fixable as people may make it out to be, and you will need professional help,”Anderson said. “It’s not as easy as switching on and off — it’s a psychological process that will take professional help to sort through.”

He said once you have an inkling, or other people have pointed out that your situation might involve trauma bonding, the next step is to seek help.