Proud single moms…

“RAISE your baby yourself.” “You don’t need the man, just hustle for you and your child.” “Plenty women doing it alone, you won’t be the first. Stop run down the man.”

It’s advice you’re bound to see coming from women to other women who find themselves in even minimal conflict with the fathers of their children. There is an underlying belief — often socially and culturally reinforced — that women should be the primary, or sole, caretakers of children.

But this narrative not only discourages shared parenting, but also at times encourages mothers to keep children away from their fathers.

“Women think they can do it all, they’re encouraged to do it all, and there are many, many women who deliberately and strategically exclude men from their children’s lives. But while the intentions may stem from a desire for independence, protection, or avoidance of conflict, the consequences of this belief can be far-reaching and harmful to both the women and children,” said counsellor David Anderson.

He said raising children is a monumental task, one that requires emotional, financial, and physical resources. While many women navigate the challenges of single motherhood with grace, the idea that women must do it alone can be incredibly isolating and unrealistic.

“This is the problem I had with my ex — she believed that once our relationship ended, so too would me playing the role of father,” said Michael B, a dad of three. “She did everything to drive me away, and for years used the court system to demonise me. Suddenly she was a ‘single mother’, presenting herself as such, even though I was there, and quite able and willing to still play my part.”

Anderson said the myth that a mother should handle everything herself can make it difficult for women to ask for help or lean on others, creating an atmosphere of stress and frustration.

“Moreover, in some situations, women may be encouraged — or even coerced — to avoid involving the father in the child’s life, especially if the relationship between the parents is strained or if there are negative feelings involved,” he said.

“This can result in mothers being made to feel like they must shoulder the entire responsibility alone, without considering the long-term impact on their children or their own well-being.”

Shawn E said that he had to involve the courts to cement the point to the mother of his two children, that the children needed both maternal and paternal figures to help shape their emotional, social, and cognitive development.

“It didn’t matter that I pointed to the research, which consistently showed that active involvement from fathers is crucial to a child’s growth, well-being, and overall development — she wasn’t budging,” he said. “But I had to push, because I know the importance of a father, and that my boys needed me to offer emotional support and help then develop important life skills.”

Retired Mediator Michelle Wright-Moodie explained that when children are kept away from their fathers, whether through separation, divorce, or parental conflict, they can suffer in ways that impact their emotional stability and future relationships.

“Studies have shown that children with involved fathers tend to fare better academically, socially, and emotionally. They are less likely to engage in risky behaviours, experience depression, or struggle with identity issues,” she explained.

She said when she worked in the system, she was at pains to deal with mothers who believed they were protecting their children by keeping the fathers at a distance, but were instead inadvertently creating a narrative of mistrust or fear.

“This dynamic can have long-term effects on a child’s ability to form healthy relationships and trust others as they grow older. The impact can also carry into adulthood, where individuals may replicate unhealthy relationship patterns or have difficulty forming their own lasting partnerships,” she said.

Anderson said the best solution lies in co-parenting — the practice of both parents being actively involved in raising their children regardless of relationship status.

“While co-parenting can be challenging in cases of conflict or separation, it is important to put the child’s needs above personal grievances,” he said.

He warned that when women are encouraged or pressured to raise children without the involvement of the father, it perpetuates the harmful idea that fathers are dispensable.

“This not only limits the child’s experience of love and guidance from both parents but also undermines the value of shared responsibility in parenting. Raising children as a team — whether the parents are together or not — is one of the most effective ways to support their overall growth and well-being,” he said.

He said changing the narrative around solo parenting begins with dismantling the belief that mothers should handle everything themselves, particularly when it comes to raising children.

“Both parents — regardless of whether they are together or separated — have valuable roles to play in the lives of their children. Promoting positive co-parenting, providing support for both mothers and fathers, and encouraging communication between parents can lead to healthier family dynamics.”

He said while single mothers are often praised for their strength and resilience, the belief that women must raise children alone or keep kids away from their fathers is ultimately harmful.

“This pressure not only places an unfair burden on mothers but also deprives children of the invaluable benefits of having both parents actively involved in their lives. Instead of perpetuating the myth that women should shoulder the entire responsibility, society must recognise the importance of shared parenting and the positive impact it has on children’s development, mental health, and future relationships,” Anderson said.